The Fruit of a Bored and Slightly Annoyed Mind

Well, in my boredom it appears I've done it again.

They're funny things, emotions,
For how they make us feel,
From quivering scared like jelly,
To having nerves of steel.

And when I think about them,
The ones I have for you,
I often feel confusion,
As I'd like to lose a few.

The meaningless devotion,
The care gone unreturned,
I see no sense in feeling this,
The love you often spurned.

Yet here I sit, a failure,
Lacking a way to change,
Just quite what you mean to me,
But then, the heart is strange.

It's clear, from all your actions,
The face you choose to show,
That "Do you feel this for me too?",
Would yield the answer "No".

I know I often can't compare,
To others you call friends,
They're far more fun and genial,
And so our friendship "ends".

'Cause so long as it's not effort,
There's nowhere else you'd rather be,
It's then that you pretend to care,
And be civil towards me.

But now I want no more of it,
These thoughts of trust and care,
Because I'm sure you'd much prefer,
That I was never there.

The thing that's really sad, though,
The thing I think is rare,
Is that for all my bluster,
I think I'll always care.

A Brief Sigh Of Relief

Well the week is almost up, and with it's passing also goes the two exams I had to pass to ensure I progress to the next year of my degree. For the first time in my history at Sheffield University, I actually put some time in on these damn things. I've also been suffering exam jitters for the first time since way back in the day when I took SATs in like year 2. I realised that, pretty much, most of the exams I'd end up taking throughout my primary and secondary school education wouldn't really amount to much. I was never this nervous about my A-Levels - and they weren't particularly bad. But then, I wonder perhaps that had I put a proportionate amount of effort into the A-level work I did most poorly on would I have gotten the same jittery feeling I got today. I suppose the fact I got the nerves, and as a result slept pretty damn badly both nights before the exams, is in part because this time I've actually worked. Perhaps it's the feeling that, despite powering through the best part of a 200-leaf Pukka Pad in order to answer assorted questions on quantum mechanics, special relativity and atomic spectra, all the work isn't going to pay off. I suppose there's always that fear that we'll try something, and we'll fail. I wonder what the percentages would read if we tallied up all the people who, upon trying and failing then went on to try again and those who went on to quit. Perhaps there's an expectation value in there somewhere, hehe.

Still, since the exams I had to work for are now gone leaving only "Topics In Classical Physics" which really doesn't appear to be necessary for anything anymore I'm kicking back with a nice cold one and listening to tunes and appreciating the fact that it's gloriously sunny outside and I'm not sneezing like a bastard. The only downside to the whole sunshine thing is the wasps and other stingy insects, but so far they don't seem to be finding me that attractive a target. Which is quite nice. I'm not usually one who drinks by himself, since I find it analogous to the miserable old git I'll inevitably become as I age going and sitting in the local every afternoon spending whatever the idea of a pension has become by the time I'm that old on bitter and the company of likewise miserable gits. That said, there's not really anything I can do about the lack of company, so I'll enjoy me drinkies regardless and put the images of lil' old me to one side for now.

Now that, essentially, the bulk of my work for getting through to third year is finished I've been contemplating a few things. Mostly I've been thinking that, perhaps it might be beneficial for me to go back over everything from the past year before September and try and get a handle on it better than I presently do. I figure that, for the pre-requisite courses anyway, this might make the work in 3rd year turn out to be a little bit easier. I think, also, that I might have finally learnt my lesson. For all my motivational problems, something got me to work for weeks on passing what was quite possibly the most confusing course I've ever taken. I sincerely hope it paid off. It would be quite ironic, and most unfortunate I suspect, for me to finally realise that I'm not a fuckwit but that I just need to apply myself only for my university career to come to an abrupt end. The lesson would still be learnt, I suppose, the application would just be different to what I imagined. The alternative is to be positive about the resits, and perhaps spend some time going over the early lectures for next year with this year's notes to hand if anything seems unfamiliar. The one thing I do know is that next year I can't afford to be so disaffected with the work. There isn't the 30% before you sit the exam safety net in the form of homework and problems classes that there was for this year. I suppose, in a sense, that doesn't affect me since I never particularly enjoyed the problems classes or tutorials - small group work generally isn't my thing, unless it's on something I'm particularly confident of my knowledge of. So far, I've spent most of my time at university finding myself intellectually inferior to others in the year - so I've been a bit shy about asking for help or anything like that.

In other news, I've bought some new shoes and that. I'll try and attach a photo of the pair I'm currently wearing, they're very comfy as I've come to expect from Vans. I s'pose I should really find a few more manufacturers that make comfy shoes for UK size 12 feet. Anywho, I dunno quite how the photos function works on here... On some other sites there's a tag you can put in to put the image in a certain place. Oh well.

That's all for this entry, I think. TTFN.

The future is never certain, but history is cast in stone

Things have been quite eventful since the last time I wrote on here. I'm currently sat back at home, away from uni and Sheffield for a bit, though I do have to return in short order for the resit period. Hopefully things will go my way, all depends on whether or not I put enough work in. I suppose really instead of writing this, I should be working but I do need a break.

The most interesting thing to mention, I suppose, was my recent visit to Drayton Manor. I have to stress that, as a small child, I recall going on some rides elsewhere and not particularly enjoying them and the drive to try them again never really got here. In some ways, the willingness to get back on theme park rides was and wasn't there on Sunday. I suppose I would like not to be that weirdo who doesn't like rollercoasters and all the other glorious machinery designed to make your insides do strange things, but yet just contemplating getting on some of them made me feel ill inside. I do, in some ways, regret that on the day I didn't "man the f*ck up" and summon up the balls to go on more stuff - especially since just before we left, I was somewhat reluctantly put on a ride called Maelstrom. It was essentially a big pendulum which had a swing through about 180 degrees at full height. I avoided going on it 'cause I was, in essence, disillusioned with what it would be like based on experiences of other things. The fact of the matter was that, once I got over my nerves and it got to the point where there was no way I was getting off, the ride was actually somewhat fun. I actually laughed while I was on it, though Nikki commented after it'd finished that she wasn't sure if I was laughing or crying. I would've liked to have gone on again, had time allowed, so in some ways I wished I hadn't chickened out the previous times my company had gone on it. That said, I suppose I could look at it as dipping my toes in the great pool of theme park rides - and the fact that I kinda liked it perhaps means there's still hope for me yet. Might take some time, but I reckon I might eventually get over my "fear" of theme park rides.

On a slightly more personal note, I believe that I'm well and truly on the mend. Whatever ailment has been irritating my body for the past few weeks seems to have given up and be on it's way out, since I'm feeling more alert, my appetite is returning and my coughing is much less frequent and less violent. Some of you may think, based on the symptoms that I've just described, that I've had swine flu - I don't think that was the case. Having suffered from seasonal flu, I know what flu feels like, and this was nowhere near that bad. Plus, swine flu is meant to be this immensely contagious infection which spreads from person to person like wildfire - none of my family are ill. We'll see how things go over the next few days, I reckon, but for now I'm feeling better!

I've also, through the work I've been doing, become somewhat fond of quantum mechanics. The module originally drove me up the wall, thanks to an incompetent lecturer and a support system I don't particularly enjoy. Now, thanks to a combination of textbooks, old lecture notes, wikipedia and a book which explains things in clear English, I've improved my understanding of the parts of it I'm supposed to know (well, parts of the parts I'm supposed to know) and it's not as bad as you'd think. Which amused me, since I found my UCAS personal statement a while back and re-read what I wrote. Back when I applied to university, the physics I said I enjoyed most were nuclear and particle physics - which I still have quite the fondness for, even if some people have demonstrated that in some respects I know very little about them - and quantum physics. It's strange how confusion and misunderstanding of a subject can sometimes cloud the fondness you once had for it. Oddly, now, as I gradually churn through the work and learn what I need, I'm rediscovering the fondness I had for physics back at college. Most notably in one of the fields that, when it was lectured to me I despised it, yet when it's delivered in a slightly haphazard yet intelligible manner it's perfectly lovely.

Whilst I was writing this, my internet connection died. It's an irritating occurrence that happens at about the same time every day. Our ISP keeps telling us that it's an incorrect setting on the router, yet when we ask what they should be we get the verbal equivalent of a shrug and a polite equivalent to it's not their hardware. It gets a bit annoying, but it can be quickly remedied by forcibly resetting both the modem and the router at the same time. Gets the internet back up for us quite sharpish, much quicker in fact than waiting for the problem to resolve itself which it generally does in the space of about 15 minutes. Not particularly useful getting booted off MSN though.

I find it quite amusing that I continue to post here, when I suspect that hardly anyone reads what I write. I suppose not much of it is of use or interest to anyone, the inane prattlings of a student with little better to do.

I shall leave it there, and I'm now off to shock the Internet connection back into correct operation. :)