Don't go looking for what you never wish to find

Evening.

I've been having some mixed feelings the past few days, about things that I really shouldn't be doubting and about things that I should really know well enough are true at face value and that don't need their foundations shaking to see if they stand up. It's unfortunate, though, that a lot of what I've been realising the past few months about what's wrong with me and how I need to improve as a person have been happening too late to influence the one thing that I want to change for. I suppose, considering the circumstances, that this had best be my final entry on this subject since I don't want to cause any more trouble than I already have and I don't want to be responsible for upset or anything like that again. So, if you're sitting comfortably, click the link and continue on in...

Quiet Contemplation

Ah, October is almost behind us and that means that today is Halloween - that glorious day when droves of children decend on their neighbours in the hope that they'll be stupid enough to be suckered in to another "holiday" that's been amazingly misappropriated by money-grabbing corporations. The original meaning of All Hallows was probably distorted and reappropriated by the Christian faith when they tried to win over the Pagans, but for all I know it's all hoodoo anyway. Bring on tomorrow when it's November and I'll again forget to say whatever it is I'm meant to say when I first wake up to bring me luck for the month.

Epiphanies are a bitch

Well, it would appear that October has proven itself to be a remarkably eventful month since it has attracted a nice 5 blog entries so far. I doubt very much that will grow to 6 in the space of a few days, however I guess you never know quite what life is going to throw at you and so it's somewhat pointless trying to predict it.

So whilst it's impossible to see what's coming ahead, it's quite easy to look back and see what has gone before. I had quite the interesting flashback to my first year of university earlier, whilst I was in Sheffield city centre, and on one hand it made me realise something about myself - a quality that perhaps I've been trying to convince myself I don't have - and I also realised something about how I'm different from that person now. The great thing about this realisation, though, is that the changes that have happened to me are quite easily reversible and are things that I'm intent on changing anyway. As anyone who knows me will attest to, I have quite (ok, very) long hair and I didn't have quite such a flowing mane when I first arrived here. I'm beginning to suspect that the sheer amount of hair I have is perhaps pidgeon-holing me into a certain "social group" that I don't entirely fit into, whilst when I first came to uni I think I could just about blag being in one of a handful of them.

I've also realised something else today, which is again part-good and part-bad. I've realised that, over the course of the past few months, I've put someone who I care very much for through a lot of stuff I shouldn't have and I can never undo this. I can't take back what I did, how I was, or the person I turned into. I made a lot of mistakes, and did things I shouldn't have done, and as was pointed out on at least one occasion any half decent boyfriend wouldn't even have thought some of what I did. The thing that is so unsettling is that, so far as I can tell, nothing has changed about the way I feel for her or how she feels for me - but because I don't always think things through, or don't take things into account that I should, I don't think anything is going to become from it any more. I'd be over the moon if it could, I truly would, but unfortunately something I'm going to have to come to terms with is that scenario being pretty much untenable. For all I've said, and all the complaining or stubborn attitude I've given out over it in the past few weeks, one of the proverbial pennies that dropped into the well of understanding the other day represented the fact that I can't act like a kid anymore on stuff like this. I shouldn't be listening to myself and the voices in my head, but perhaps to the people who're talking to me and who in most cases I still judge as being willing to be honest with me. I need to get out of my twisted and unsettled mind, and out into the real world and actually take more things on board instead of dismissing them as outright lie or deceit. I don't expect many of the people I know, or talk to on a regular basis, to deliberately or knowingly mislead or lie to me - but from the way I've been recently, I'd expect that most people would think the opposite.

I guess that's something that not a lot of people realise about me, really. For years at high school, I was a bit of an outcast - I'm sure everyone was either one of the smart kids, or knew one of the smart kids and looked down on them for it. I spent 5 years feeling like I was good for little else than recieving derisive remarks, or being used for answers to homework or for help with other stuff. Since leaving, and thanks to going to a good college and now a good university, I'm not just stuck on the fringes anymore. There's people who seem to like me, and I'm damn sure it's not to try and blag answers any more 'cause I'm sure not one of the smartest going these days. I guess perhaps I'm still not through the transition I should've made in high school, where I should've gone from the naive child I was to a slightly more world-aware person. I don't think I'm entirely used to being liked purely by merit of who or how I am, without some underlying agenda or exchange like before, and I'm even surer that I'm still not entirely used to having some of the attention I do occasionally get these days. I'm sure I don't have to be specific on that one, but that you'll figure out what I'm suggesting. I was never anywhere near the radar at high school, let alone on it.

Maybe I'll get past this point, and perhaps one day I might end up being someone who was good enough for her. It's just a shame I didn't quite get there in time...

My Delirium

Today's title was chosen for two reasons, really, but only one of them is in any way profound and indicative of what's going through my head right now. The first, the fairly straightforward reason, is because I really am loving an artist who isn't apparently mainstream pop yet - Ladyhawke. Really good debut album, excluding one weak track, and well worth a shot from the iTunes Store for the bargain price of £4.99. Out of all the albums I've bought on the back of one track, this is probably one of the best returns I've had. It truly is a brilliant record.

The second reason is that, I think the lyrics have a scary relevance to my life at the moment. While I realise that it's somewhat amusing to take someone elses sentiments and feelings to express my own, that track really does hit home. I first heard it a little while back, but it was only recently that I figured out what it was so I could get the track from iTunes. I now have the album, and some of the other songs have parts that make me step back and think about my life, but My Delirium really seems to be hitting the nail on the head with respect to a lot of things.

In the week since I last wrote anything here, I think I've been knocked well and truly sideways by whatever mysterious force(s) are there to lord over my life. I thought that things would remain in this irritating equilibrium, that things wouldn't get much worse because I didn't see how they could, but also that things might not immediately begin to pick up either. Yet here I sit, and for the moment I feel so much worse emotionally than I have done at any other time I can remember. That's karma, I suppose. I was responsible for, albeit inadvertantly and unintentionally, making someone else feel this dire. I put someone else in this position, and now that I know just what this feels like it's summoned other feelings with it. The feeling that I deserve to die for putting someone else through this simultaneous state of emotional turbulance and emotional numbness; that I might actually be the complete twat that some people think I am; and that I feel glad that the person I put in this place is no longer there. As bad as it sounds, right now that's the one thing I'm actually happy about - that the effect of all that I did that was wrong to that person has been reversed, even if the act has not been forgiven. Perhaps karma will be so kind to me.

The title also carries a stark relevance to my life since April. It hurts a little that I only recently realised that for months I've been taken for a ride, that a lot of what has happened to me that I thought was genuine and caring was actually all a lie. What hurts more is that a lot of it came from someone who I thought I could trust, and who I thought actually gave a damn, but after what's happened recently and over the longer term, I'm beginning to see just how pathetic I am in some regards. I've been oblivious to things I should have taken note of, and it's only now that the contrary has been thrown right into my face that I've realised it. Which is why I feel that the description of "delirium" somewhat explains my state of mind since April. I should try to avoid it happening again, I suppose, though the current confusion I'm harbouring over how I feel might make it hard to think straight for a little while.

What's unsettling in some regards is that, for a while now the stuff I've been feeling has been bleeding over into my life at uni and mostly out onto Facebook via status updates, and out of all the people I know and all the people who've seen me in this state, the ones who made any effort to seem like they cared are the ones I never expected it from. A friend at work, who I only see very rarely, took more interest in my wellbeing than a lot of people I've known for years. Some of what I've been writing on here and on Facebook invited somewhat derisive commentary, some of what I've been writing on here and on Facebook invited concern. I guess the upside is that, I've learnt more about who I think I should be seeing as my friends rather than just people I know.

I'm sat here writing this, ignoring some assessed work that was due in on Friday as well as a large stack of laundry and a lot of tidying. I don't even have any food, I'm that off centre right now. I'm left with what feels like little more than the hope that I'll be OK, and that something might happen to demonstrate exactly who it is that actually gives a damn about me.

Ever wondered where the old sayings come from?

I was sitting around and thinking about what's been happening in my life the past few months, and it brought to mind the old saying "If you love someone, let them go..." and that. So I started wondering about the origin of this phrase, as well as some others, and what the basis for them was originally. In a sense, I suppose that for a few months over the summer, I did let the woman I love "go" for a bit - and I did also, for a little while, get her back afterwards. The whole affair brought the phrase "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" to mind, and in a sense I suppose it did apply to us. Now that we're always in the same lectures, with some of the same friends and loads of work to be doing, I find it hard to take my mind off everything.

There are times when I wish I could just press a switch and hey presto, I'm no longer perpetually hauling around these feelings. That if, perhaps, I no longer had to suffer with feeling so hollow and alone without her; with having my first thoughts in a morning being the fact I miss her and that her absence is so unpleasant; with having to deal with the knowledge that a lot of the problem is my fault, and that for everything I'm doing to make things better I'm actually just making it worse. It's amusing knowing that my friends at uni are convinced I'm a cold, heartless bastard, and to some extents I suppose they're right. I'm not particularly outgoing or friendly, I don't know how to be that kind of person. I have a lot of issues to sort out with people in general, and I'm trying to overcome a lot of them, but I've still got a lot of work to do.

Then it occurs to me, that the fact that I can't just turn off the way I feel suggests that perhaps what I'm feeling is what I genuinely want to feel rather than something I think I feel, and I realise that to me at least my continual efforts to not let this be gone for good shows I care. Others may see it differently, I don't know. I don't know how she sees things. It's sad, really. That I know so little about this woman who knows so much about me. I hate myself for that. I really do.

Perhaps I should just wait it out and see how it goes.

Give It Your All / Give It All Up?

I'm aware that it was only yesterday when I last wrote on here, and that such a high frequency of updating is unusual, but putting things on here does sort of help in unravelling what exactly is floating around in my mind. Sometimes, anyway.

One of the things still bothering me immensely is something that has been playing on my mind ever since the end of second year; my sheer ineptitude with a certain person and the fact that twice now I've had the joy of a relationship with that person only to go and ruin it because I'm such a pathetic human being. In all honesty, I'm fairly sure that hardly anyone reads this blog* and so I think that in part is what contributes to me writing this stuff here. I've never particularly minded sharing my thoughts with the Internet at large, which is strange because I lack the capacity to do so in person. It's somewhat scary thinking that someone who I have never met on the other side of the ocean might know more about the inner workings of my mind than one of my "friends" that lives just down the road. The fact remains, though, that for no lack of thought and attempts at distraction, my feelings are the same. That I know what I want, and that I'd give everything for that, but in spite of everything events keep conspiring to ensure it remains out of my reach. In essence, that's the reason behind the title. I think that, if I were to give it all up and just ignore how I feel and put that part of me to one side, I'd regret it. Yet if I go after it too vigorously, and with such fervour that I create uncomfortable friction or tension between us, I think I'd regret that equally. Such is the quandary of human interaction.

I sometimes wonder whether or not I'm actually meant for this sort of stuff. I know it's ripped off of Black Books, but I do frequently think that Bernard's vision of his death perhaps extends to my life. I wouldn't be surprised if I did end up being found single, upside down and dead in a grotty pub toilet somewhere. I've long held the thought that I'm going to spend most of my life alone, and whilst I would much rather spend it in the company of someone I love I'm beginning to think this might not be a reality I'll ever achieve. I wasn't entirely surprised when recently several people commented that I never seem to be happy, or that at least I never project that I'm happy over the misery and self-loathing that permeates my existence. To a point, they're right - I hardly ever smile or look happy, but then considering the extent of my issues I don't feel happy very often any more. I did, for a week or so at the start of the year, have something to smile about, but I lost that for the reasons detailed previously. I believe that it's somewhat difficult to find a genuine reason why others would like you when it's difficult to find a reason why oneself should do so. Perhaps the key is to love yourself first, then others will follow suit, but that's easier said than done. Years of having your self-esteem attacked and eroded isn't something that I think I dealt with well at the time, or something that I think I can easily overcome now. What I am, in many ways, proud of is the fact that with a bit of help now I'm actually trying to deal with it and overcome that one of my problems.

I guess what it boils down to, and this is something that's been pointed out on several occasions, is that a lot of the problems I see with my life don't really extend much further than my own head. If I can sort out what goes on in there, and see past the false belief that I'm this cold, heartless, miserable and universally hated enigma that nobody wants to know I might no longer be a cold, heartless, miserable universally hated enigma and people might want to know me. I still have the comfort, at least, of the knowledge that despite everything there's one person who is at least somewhat fond of me. I can tell that from the fact that, despite everything, we still fall out. That, despite everything, we're still close friends - though not so much as we were, I don't think. I still have the comfort of knowing that, or perhaps knowing in my case and hoping in theirs, that the feelings that we once openly shared are still there. It brings me down to explaining one of my fears, or at least one of the things that makes me uncomfortable: uncertainty. I don't appreciate not knowing things, or not understanding things. I like rational explanation, open answers and the opportunity being given for me to understand what's going on and then act accordingly. At times I don't seem to have that opportunity, but as I said, such is the quandary of human interaction...

(* aside from a few people who've been kind enough to set themselves as followers, or the people who've specifically inquired about my blog. If you care to prove me wrong, and have a suitable account, feel free to comment on my post and we'll see just how many people not only visit but stayed long enough to read this "footnote".)

TTFN.

The Things We Do

Well, it's time for another update on the blog I think, since I haven't actually finished writing anything here that I've started in a while. I have made a few attempts at putting something on here, but whenever I did I either went off on so many tangents that the entry got immensely huge or I just lost my train of thought and it went to shit that way. I suppose it's a good thing that my mind isn't quite as hectic the past few days, but then my head's never exactly clear in the first place...

The past few weeks have been interesting, and I think that in a way there's a learning experience to be had here. I did, albeit briefly, get back what I wanted all summer and then promptly went and stuffed it up in a very similar manner to the first time. I do sometimes wonder whether or not I did something immeasurably wrong in a past life, or whether there's some force at work that is making things go wrong recently. I suppose it's a bit of a relief that things have settled down a bit now, and that they're picking up a little bit. I still know ultimately what I want, on a personal level, but I really don't think I'm likely to get a third chance at it. That sucks.

On the plus side, third year is going reasonably well so far. We've already had one piece of assessed homework, and it was a little bit tricky at first but after a little bit of thinking and consulting the notes it fell into place and all was well. Another piece of homework was given out this week just gone, and it looks lovely. Nothing makes me happier than having to use the Schrödinger Equation in its radial form with spherical polar co-ordinates. Still, it's something I have to learn and I reckon it can't be that hard if I put enough effort into learning the damn thing. Bit like elementary quantum mechanics - I wasn't too fond of that, coupled with being ill and missing a few lectures, but on the back of some very basic notes and some help from a friend I managed to pass what is quite possibly the most challenging module in the second year of a physics degree here. So, all things considered, if I put the work in I hope I'll be able to do at least that well in my third year and finally leave here with a reasonable degree. Hello "real world"!

Other than that, there hasn't been much happening. I've done a fair bit of cleaning around the house, and spent a lot of time sorting out junk in my room. I bought some new textbooks from Blackwells, one mathematics and one quantum mechanics, so that I can try and improve my understanding of these subjects - mostly 'cause my maths needs work and without quantum there's no way I'll understand any physics at this level.

On that note, I bid you adieu.

Rock On Third Year!

Well it's been a while since I rambled anything on here, so I guess I should probably put down what's been going on. The past two weeks I've been quite busy keeping the new seniors at TSC quite inebriated and fulfilling my role as social secretary in addition to being the chair of the committee. I think I organised about 5 or 6 socials, in addition to a few others that were organised by the new seniors themselves. Pretty good that they all seem to get along with each other, should make working with them next year much easier.

On top of this, I got my resit results as well. Had to take 3, all exams that I didn't put that much effort into initially, so I finally decided to put some effort in and if it doesn't pay off then at least this time I did try. Well, it paid off. Passed all 3, but I don't know whether or not it was with flying colours 'cause everything is capped at just a bare pass. Whilst it's something of a relief to know that I do have a good enough grasp of everything to pass modules in such thrilling topics as quantum mechanics, it's somewhat irritating that the motivation to work has only really properly hit me now. That said, I think that if I can do well in my third year (which for me is the last year of my degree programme) I should be able to leave university with a 2.1 which is a pretty good degree. Should get me where I want to be at any rate.

I've been thinking, as well, that perhaps since one of the careers I'm considering perhaps going for is something research based (which I should be able to do with a 2.1) is having a crack at improving upon some of the notes from some of the lecture courses. I've found some notes for most of the modules offered at Sheffield, and whilst a lot of them are really pretty damn good there's quite a few that really suck. Couple this with lecturers that aren't all that brilliant and you've got a handful of students that might struggle. It'd also be quite good revision, since I'd be going over old material that's still relevant to the third year. Quite looking forward to some of the modules, as well.

The only other thing to report is that my room is considerably tidier than it has been. I can see my floor again, and all that remains now really is to vacuum it after I've got hold of some carpet cleaner stuff.

Catch ya later!

Dance Dance Revolution!

[Now Playing: Chicane - Poppiholla]

I've borrowed the name of a popular dancing game for this entry, since my shopping on the iTunes store has recently leant very much towards that particular genre: dance. The majority of my music remains very much rock and metal, but so far there's 59 purchased tracks on my iTunes and only about 10 aren't classified as "dance" or "electronic". Which is quite weird, on some grounds, but not that weird on others. Before high school, pretty much, I didn't really mind dance tracks and in all honesty I've never really harboured that much of a dislike for the genre. There's been the occasional track I've heard on the rare occasion I've been subjected to commercial radio that I've actually quite liked.

[Now Playing: Special D - Come With Me]

So, anyway, I've kinda started listening to some of it again and I've discovered that like with metal and rock there's quite a bit of stuff that comes under "dance" that I'm none too fond of. Trance is very chilled out and all sounds the same, as does house music. Techno seems to be worth a listen, alongside the good ol' eurodance and that lot. I found it quite amusing that in the past few months, Blumchen has got to the spot of my 6th most listened to artist according to my stats on last.fm - that's more listens than such greats as Muse, System of a Down and others.

[Now Playing: Melody and Mezzo - I Wanna Be Your Star (Speedy Mix)]

Aside from the little diversion my music taste appears to have taken, not much has been happening since the last serious entry. The resit period has finished, which is quite the relief, but that's only replaced the anxiety of exams with the anxiety of waiting to find out how I've done. I'm 99% sure I'm OK, but things have a habit of not going my way when I think they have so we'll wait and see what happens. I'll be proper annoyed if I've cocked up, I really will. I had a read through the work I did before the resits and there's quite a bit of it (well over half a 200-leaf refill pad) just of questions and worked examples I found on wikipedia to explain bits I couldn't do from the notes or derivations I couldn't find in a textbook. That's on top of, for quantum at least, some reading around the subject that I did by borrowing or buying some non-academic texts aimed at going some way to explaining quantum mechanics to the layman, if you will. Some of them were not only very useful, but they were also a jolly good read.

[Now Playing: Be My Dream (Alvaro Radio Remix) - DJ Dejan]

I found it quite amusing that, after 3 years at university, I've only now really acknowledged the fact that the only thing stopping me is my attitude. I'm not exactly lacking the capacity for passing this degree - I think that's clear by the fact that, in second year I only failed 3 modules and that wasn't with me exactly putting in 100%. That's not something you'd usually be proud of, but in this case the fact that I could pass (in some cases, rather well) 3/4 of the year without being "nose to the grindstone" 24/7 makes me think that for 3rd year if I actually spend less time doing useless stuff like playing with internet spaceships on EVE or wasting time just lazing in bed I might actually pull off a reasonable degree. Especially since the 2 modules that were essentially my reason for going to university in the first place are in the 3rd year: nuclear physics and particle physics. I'm not really top-level researcher material, especially since my existing knowledge of a lot of what's going on in high-energy research right now is rudimentary, but I still agree that my UCAS personal statement is right today - and that they're pretty much my two main interests.

[Now Playing: Calvin Harris - The Girls (Radio Edit)]

The only other thing going on is that from next week we're training the new seniors for TSC at the University. Two weeks of hands-on practical training as well as some theory and health and safety talks so they don't accidentally kill people with the 3-phase power supplies. Wouldn't wanna be shocked by that, really. Not pleasant. Still, it should be quite amusing seeing how they hold up with the social side of the fortnight. Stuff from laser-quest to pub crawls, all should be jolly good fun.

[Now Playing: Freestylers ft. Pendulum - Painkiller]

I'm running out of things to say here, so I think I'll wrap it up for now. TTFN.

The Fruit of a Bored and Slightly Annoyed Mind

Well, in my boredom it appears I've done it again.

They're funny things, emotions,
For how they make us feel,
From quivering scared like jelly,
To having nerves of steel.

And when I think about them,
The ones I have for you,
I often feel confusion,
As I'd like to lose a few.

The meaningless devotion,
The care gone unreturned,
I see no sense in feeling this,
The love you often spurned.

Yet here I sit, a failure,
Lacking a way to change,
Just quite what you mean to me,
But then, the heart is strange.

It's clear, from all your actions,
The face you choose to show,
That "Do you feel this for me too?",
Would yield the answer "No".

I know I often can't compare,
To others you call friends,
They're far more fun and genial,
And so our friendship "ends".

'Cause so long as it's not effort,
There's nowhere else you'd rather be,
It's then that you pretend to care,
And be civil towards me.

But now I want no more of it,
These thoughts of trust and care,
Because I'm sure you'd much prefer,
That I was never there.

The thing that's really sad, though,
The thing I think is rare,
Is that for all my bluster,
I think I'll always care.

A Brief Sigh Of Relief

Well the week is almost up, and with it's passing also goes the two exams I had to pass to ensure I progress to the next year of my degree. For the first time in my history at Sheffield University, I actually put some time in on these damn things. I've also been suffering exam jitters for the first time since way back in the day when I took SATs in like year 2. I realised that, pretty much, most of the exams I'd end up taking throughout my primary and secondary school education wouldn't really amount to much. I was never this nervous about my A-Levels - and they weren't particularly bad. But then, I wonder perhaps that had I put a proportionate amount of effort into the A-level work I did most poorly on would I have gotten the same jittery feeling I got today. I suppose the fact I got the nerves, and as a result slept pretty damn badly both nights before the exams, is in part because this time I've actually worked. Perhaps it's the feeling that, despite powering through the best part of a 200-leaf Pukka Pad in order to answer assorted questions on quantum mechanics, special relativity and atomic spectra, all the work isn't going to pay off. I suppose there's always that fear that we'll try something, and we'll fail. I wonder what the percentages would read if we tallied up all the people who, upon trying and failing then went on to try again and those who went on to quit. Perhaps there's an expectation value in there somewhere, hehe.

Still, since the exams I had to work for are now gone leaving only "Topics In Classical Physics" which really doesn't appear to be necessary for anything anymore I'm kicking back with a nice cold one and listening to tunes and appreciating the fact that it's gloriously sunny outside and I'm not sneezing like a bastard. The only downside to the whole sunshine thing is the wasps and other stingy insects, but so far they don't seem to be finding me that attractive a target. Which is quite nice. I'm not usually one who drinks by himself, since I find it analogous to the miserable old git I'll inevitably become as I age going and sitting in the local every afternoon spending whatever the idea of a pension has become by the time I'm that old on bitter and the company of likewise miserable gits. That said, there's not really anything I can do about the lack of company, so I'll enjoy me drinkies regardless and put the images of lil' old me to one side for now.

Now that, essentially, the bulk of my work for getting through to third year is finished I've been contemplating a few things. Mostly I've been thinking that, perhaps it might be beneficial for me to go back over everything from the past year before September and try and get a handle on it better than I presently do. I figure that, for the pre-requisite courses anyway, this might make the work in 3rd year turn out to be a little bit easier. I think, also, that I might have finally learnt my lesson. For all my motivational problems, something got me to work for weeks on passing what was quite possibly the most confusing course I've ever taken. I sincerely hope it paid off. It would be quite ironic, and most unfortunate I suspect, for me to finally realise that I'm not a fuckwit but that I just need to apply myself only for my university career to come to an abrupt end. The lesson would still be learnt, I suppose, the application would just be different to what I imagined. The alternative is to be positive about the resits, and perhaps spend some time going over the early lectures for next year with this year's notes to hand if anything seems unfamiliar. The one thing I do know is that next year I can't afford to be so disaffected with the work. There isn't the 30% before you sit the exam safety net in the form of homework and problems classes that there was for this year. I suppose, in a sense, that doesn't affect me since I never particularly enjoyed the problems classes or tutorials - small group work generally isn't my thing, unless it's on something I'm particularly confident of my knowledge of. So far, I've spent most of my time at university finding myself intellectually inferior to others in the year - so I've been a bit shy about asking for help or anything like that.

In other news, I've bought some new shoes and that. I'll try and attach a photo of the pair I'm currently wearing, they're very comfy as I've come to expect from Vans. I s'pose I should really find a few more manufacturers that make comfy shoes for UK size 12 feet. Anywho, I dunno quite how the photos function works on here... On some other sites there's a tag you can put in to put the image in a certain place. Oh well.

That's all for this entry, I think. TTFN.

The future is never certain, but history is cast in stone

Things have been quite eventful since the last time I wrote on here. I'm currently sat back at home, away from uni and Sheffield for a bit, though I do have to return in short order for the resit period. Hopefully things will go my way, all depends on whether or not I put enough work in. I suppose really instead of writing this, I should be working but I do need a break.

The most interesting thing to mention, I suppose, was my recent visit to Drayton Manor. I have to stress that, as a small child, I recall going on some rides elsewhere and not particularly enjoying them and the drive to try them again never really got here. In some ways, the willingness to get back on theme park rides was and wasn't there on Sunday. I suppose I would like not to be that weirdo who doesn't like rollercoasters and all the other glorious machinery designed to make your insides do strange things, but yet just contemplating getting on some of them made me feel ill inside. I do, in some ways, regret that on the day I didn't "man the f*ck up" and summon up the balls to go on more stuff - especially since just before we left, I was somewhat reluctantly put on a ride called Maelstrom. It was essentially a big pendulum which had a swing through about 180 degrees at full height. I avoided going on it 'cause I was, in essence, disillusioned with what it would be like based on experiences of other things. The fact of the matter was that, once I got over my nerves and it got to the point where there was no way I was getting off, the ride was actually somewhat fun. I actually laughed while I was on it, though Nikki commented after it'd finished that she wasn't sure if I was laughing or crying. I would've liked to have gone on again, had time allowed, so in some ways I wished I hadn't chickened out the previous times my company had gone on it. That said, I suppose I could look at it as dipping my toes in the great pool of theme park rides - and the fact that I kinda liked it perhaps means there's still hope for me yet. Might take some time, but I reckon I might eventually get over my "fear" of theme park rides.

On a slightly more personal note, I believe that I'm well and truly on the mend. Whatever ailment has been irritating my body for the past few weeks seems to have given up and be on it's way out, since I'm feeling more alert, my appetite is returning and my coughing is much less frequent and less violent. Some of you may think, based on the symptoms that I've just described, that I've had swine flu - I don't think that was the case. Having suffered from seasonal flu, I know what flu feels like, and this was nowhere near that bad. Plus, swine flu is meant to be this immensely contagious infection which spreads from person to person like wildfire - none of my family are ill. We'll see how things go over the next few days, I reckon, but for now I'm feeling better!

I've also, through the work I've been doing, become somewhat fond of quantum mechanics. The module originally drove me up the wall, thanks to an incompetent lecturer and a support system I don't particularly enjoy. Now, thanks to a combination of textbooks, old lecture notes, wikipedia and a book which explains things in clear English, I've improved my understanding of the parts of it I'm supposed to know (well, parts of the parts I'm supposed to know) and it's not as bad as you'd think. Which amused me, since I found my UCAS personal statement a while back and re-read what I wrote. Back when I applied to university, the physics I said I enjoyed most were nuclear and particle physics - which I still have quite the fondness for, even if some people have demonstrated that in some respects I know very little about them - and quantum physics. It's strange how confusion and misunderstanding of a subject can sometimes cloud the fondness you once had for it. Oddly, now, as I gradually churn through the work and learn what I need, I'm rediscovering the fondness I had for physics back at college. Most notably in one of the fields that, when it was lectured to me I despised it, yet when it's delivered in a slightly haphazard yet intelligible manner it's perfectly lovely.

Whilst I was writing this, my internet connection died. It's an irritating occurrence that happens at about the same time every day. Our ISP keeps telling us that it's an incorrect setting on the router, yet when we ask what they should be we get the verbal equivalent of a shrug and a polite equivalent to it's not their hardware. It gets a bit annoying, but it can be quickly remedied by forcibly resetting both the modem and the router at the same time. Gets the internet back up for us quite sharpish, much quicker in fact than waiting for the problem to resolve itself which it generally does in the space of about 15 minutes. Not particularly useful getting booted off MSN though.

I find it quite amusing that I continue to post here, when I suspect that hardly anyone reads what I write. I suppose not much of it is of use or interest to anyone, the inane prattlings of a student with little better to do.

I shall leave it there, and I'm now off to shock the Internet connection back into correct operation. :)

It's All About The Spiral

Well this brings us in line for the current running tradition of 3 blog entries a month, which I suppose is kind of a good thing for me since it means I'm not sitting here every day trying to churn out some rubbish, but I'm instead only really writing when there's something to say. I remember back when I got my first ever blog, I updated pretty much every day. I also remember a friend of mine commenting that, on the occasions I offered up via my blog my opinions and thoughts on things that I wrote in a similar manner to Jezza Clarkson. I'm still slightly split on whether or not that's a good thing.

This weekend, my family and I went over to a little village in Lincolnshire for my cousin's wedding. It was quite a nice weekend, really. The hotel we stayed in, and where the reception was after the service, was great - nice rooms, decent size bathroom, nicely decorated and with appropriate tea and coffee making facilities - and looked like they'd pretty much just sculpted some gaps out of the woodland around the building. The golf course was beautiful, though all I saw was the view down the first fairway of one of the courses since I didn't actually go out and play, but it made for a fairly spectacular surrounding for the sports bar. The service was brief, but lovely. I didn't have to make too much of an arse of myself by singing hymns, since there were only two, and there weren't too many prayers or other uber religious stuff. In all, quite a nice weekend and I wasn't feeling too rough for most of it which is a bonus. I do hope that my cousin, and her new husband, have a very happy life together. :)

That brings me to the topic of me being ill, which for the past week or so I have been. Nothing too serious, I don't think, as I'm not dead or in hospital yet. I did go and see a doctor, since I don't like to take too many chances with my health, but right now I'm feeling pretty healthy - aside from a bit of a cough. Perhaps you're wondering if my immediate reaction was "oh shit, it's swine flu!" when I started feeling like crap. Well, it crossed my mind, but the truth of the matter is I'm not bothered about swine flu. So far it's proving no more deadly than regular influenza, the only difference is that it's a new strain so we don't know what it will do. Once we hit flu season in this country, things might change. Until then, I'll stick to my current policy of not being too fussed.

Also, thanks to 106.1 ROCK RADIO which is a local station broadcasting in Manchester, I've been introduced to a Van Halen track I'd never heard before - Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love - which I think has got one hell of a catchy riff in it and which I can't seem to stop listening to. It's awesome! Nothing too complicated, as far as I can tell from listening to it, but it sounds killer - which I think we'd all expect from EVH. :)

That's all for this one. TTFN.

Such Lovely Weather

Well, for any of you not in the immediate Sheffield area, the weather the past few days has been pretty abysmal. Rain, rain, rain; it's all we've had. Though, despite all the complaining that the good ol' British public do about the rain, I quite like it. More specifically, I like being out in it when it's warm. I'm not quite sure what it is about it, but there's something about walking around in the pouring rain that makes me feel better. I dunno if, perhaps, it's something I could express in a slightly abstract way - say, for instance, that the rain kinda washes my problems away, if only temporarily. But, as I did a little while back when it was gloriously warm and it rained, I took some time to wander around aimlessly in the rain and for that time I didn't really care about much.

That said, the weather does somewhat reflect my mood at the moment. I think, currently, I'm not feeling that down about much but I'm not exactly the most cheery person going. There's a few things still bugging me, that are making me feel a bit sad, but they aren't things I'm going to go into here and they're ones I'll have to try and sort out myself. I have, however, made a few realisations about myself though. For instance, I rediscovered the joy of 2-tone ska thanks to Last.fm suggesting that people who like Madness might also like Bad Manners and The Specials. I think that's kinda always been one of my favourite sorts of music, though I lost sight of that a bit by trying to fit in with the metal crowd. Don't get me wrong, I still like metal, but I just reminded myself that I also really like ska. Also quite fond of ska-influenced bands, like Less Than Jake or Rancid. Awesome.

As hesitant as I am to say it, I think I might be coming to terms somewhat with a few of the things that have been haunting me of late. Sure, the skeleton's haven't been completely removed from the proverbial closet and given a proper burial yet, but I think we've got at least to the point of opening the door. Might be a while before I notice any marked improvement, but it's something to work for. Something I hope I can achieve, really. Going back to music, I've noticed that I have actually since downloading iTunes been living up to my statement of "eclectic" musical taste. It's gotten to the point where I'm acquiring larger amounts of tunes that most people wouldn't have associated with me at all, but it comes back somewhat to the fact that at heart I'll listen to anything I think is worth listening to. That still doesn't include jazz, I'm afraid. I definitely think that, at some point, I put a bit too much emphasis on liking what others liked and not running with my own opinion. Hopefully that's something I can reverse.

Sitting here now, and thinking with a somewhat upbeat dance backing track, I'm beginning to see what I never thought I'd see. Myself, at least partially. I'm slowly but surely making an effort to shake off the shadow of all that's bothered me, and try and concentrate more on what makes me happy rather than what I think others *should* like. With hindsight, there's a few things that I would actually change about my life if I could, but alas such an event is never going to happen so I don't see any point in harbouring regrets over things. I think, from here on in, I should make more effort to ignore the well established voices in my head and instead listen to the voices of the people I'm friends with - the ones who, so far as I can tell, are actually speaking the truth.

Time for a change

It's been a few days since I last wrote anything here, so I figured it was time for an update. Most likely because this is something to do, and because by doing it I can further avoid unpacking and trying to find a home for all my stuff.

Which brings me nicely on to the topic of the new house. Yes, those of you who come by on a regular basis will know that as of the 30th of June I'd no longer be living in the house I had. I am now slightly further up the hill, living with a good friend of mine and his existing housemates. Some more friends of ours are moving in next door shortly, so there's gonna be some funnage there.

In other news, I've decided that I should probably make an effort to try and pass things and try and get into 3rd year. To this end, I've loaned a few books from the information commons and they include such joy as Mary L Boas' "Mathematical Methods in the Physical Sciences". Seems like a wonderful book, chock full of all sorts of lovely maths. Still, if it helps improve my grades a little next year then it'll be worth it.

Not much of note has happened since the last ranting episode, and I'm not really feeling like I should channel anything into this blog, so it's a brief visit today. More hell might be unleashed at a later date, though.

TTFN.

...and the dirt still stains me...

It's quite funny, a lot of what I do. I've been talking to someone on MSN for a while, and despite everything I wrote on here between 2 and 3 am this morning, I've already lost sight of so much of it. Evidently I underestimated just quite how much effort I'm going to have to put into sorting my head out.

So, I still haven't been able to accurately recall the quote I was searching for this morning. Whilst I may have found 3 other good ones, none of them seem quite so appropriate as this one particular quote is. I'm so definitely sure that it's an Albert Camus quote, or perhaps someone closely associated with Camus, since when it was originally cited to me the discussion had just mentioned him. It truly was a spectacular quote, an absolutely fantastic statement about self-pity and just how vile an emotion it is. It sums up pretty much everything about my current situation perfectly, far better than I ever could.

I'm also finding more and more often that, despite having a lot of it, I'm not enjoying listening to the music I've grown so fond of any more. Whether that has anything to do with the fact that, at the moment, I'm feeling very apathetic about a lot of things I don't know. A lot of the music I have sat in the library of iTunes doesn't really do much to make me feel any better. The odd track of stuff like MGMT and Keane I have here, though, with the "lighter" music for want of a better description seems to do much more for my mood than such metallic glory as Metallica or Dragonforce.

Which brings me on to the topic that seems to be underpinning pretty much everything I'm thinking about right now, and mostly what is behind a lot of what I write on here. The issue of who, exactly, I am. Who is this person, sat at a computer screen talking about the issues in his life? What do I like, where am I going in life, what do I want from it? Genuinely, I can't answer some of those questions. I came to university with no absolute direction, I still don't really have one. Partially I think this is because of the issues I'm still trying to solve; that I don't think I'm capable of any significant original contribution to the field I'm studying, or that I'm not worth anything as a scientist (or a person for that matter). Yet, at the same time, I don't know entirely what a physics degree - should I get one - would really allow me to go on and do.

So, I got to thinking about why I actually came to university. What helped, was that I found the personal statement I wrote for my application to UCAS. I think I very much lost sight of why I came here, I got too bogged down in everthing that coming to university exposed me to. Before coming here, I was very much a closed off person. I had a small group of friends, and by that I mean I knew a few people well enough to not feel uncomfortable around them and whom I felt I could talk to about things. Then I came to Sheffield. I was no longer surrounded by familiar faces, or by situations I could easily escape from. To be fair, I think I owe quite a debt of gratitude to some of the people I first met at university. Some of the first people I ever spoke to, and some of the first friends I made here, were international students. People who'd not just left their hometown, but had come to an entirely different country to get a degree. And, in all honesty, if I had to make a claim as to who I thought were friendlier - the internationals or the home students - I'd go with the internationals any day. I'm still good friends with a few of them, they're fantastic people. Whereas some of the home students I've met did nothing but remind me of what I thought I'd left behind once I left college. It's remarkable that, no matter what level of education you're in, there's still arseholes. My high school had a lot of them, and college had surprisingly more than I anticipated. I never thought so many people whose life seemed to involve nothing but drink, drugs and sex would've gone to college. Yet, perhaps that just shows how naive I was about the world, 'cause university students seem to predominantly be the people I tried to avoid. Ask anyone what they think students do, and their answer will probably be some combination of drink, drugs and sex.

I've digressed somewhat, and I'm not accurately representing in my statement the people I've made friends with at university. Granted, some of the people I know at university do seem to do very little except go out, get drunk/high/laid or any combination of them at once. But then, I know people who don't. The people who, for all intents and purposes, I suppose I could refer to as an island of morality. And I think I'm lucky, in some respects, that I have friends who fall under both categories. I know people who I can go out with, and have a laugh with - and no, before you go there I don't do drugs. Yet, when I need a quiet cuppa and someone to talk to, I know I've got friends for that too. I don't think I've quite yet shifted my opinion on drugs, to be honest. When I came to uni, I abhorred them - and, to some extent, I abhorred the people who took them. I pitied them, for being so callous as to risk throwing their life away just so they could go get high in a club toilet. Perhaps at some point, I might write another entry so I can try and make sense of my attitude towards drugs. I think if I ever do, it's probably going to have somewhere at the top a warning that it's probably not suitable for most people to read.

Part of what got me so confused, though, is that coming to university challenged so much of what I thought - and, as such, challenged how I was as a person. I came to Sheffield with all the opinions, thoughts and views that made me who I was. Perhaps, the fact that they were so wrong shows I was naive and stupid. Perhaps that goes to show they were never my opinions to begin with. As the Albert Camus quote said in my previous entry, we can't be happy with ourselves if all we're concerned about is the happiness of others. When I look back, I find many an occasion where I've not actually gone along with how I felt, but I've instead gone with another opinion. I don't know why. I don't, right now, feel that much compulsion to be another sheep in the herd. And yet I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy because, ever since high school, I've seen everything go well for people who were nothing like me. The people who, instead of giving a damn about their education and their health went out and purposefully did the opposite. For years, all I saw was a society where individualism was to be discouraged. Where being something other than the type of person peddled by the popular media was a flaw, a mistake on your part.

So now I've been here for three years, and I've managed to wrangle with a few of my flawed opinions. I'm no longer so mindlessly anti-drugs. I don't see the point in criminalising some of them - and when I say this, I predominantly mean cannabis. That's another thing for another time. I won't ever willfully take the majority of illegal stuff - you'll never find me with a needle full of heroin, or snorting coke - but I'm not so blind as to immediately and blindly jump to the defence of the government and start spouting that they're all illegal for a reason any more.

To be fair, I think a lot of what I need to try and do is sort out what it is that I think. I need to spend more time saying damn it all to hell when it comes to other people's opinions and make up my own. I don't think that entirely failing to care for other people's thoughts when it comes to me would ever be productive - if anything I think not caring at all could swing me right to the other end of the spectrum - but perhaps I need to find a middle ground between caring what others think of me and caring what I think about myself.

I've gone all over the place in this entry, partially because I think there's so much floating around in my head that it's hard to think of one thing without invariably wandering into another topic. But, I hope that one day I'll be able to write an entry knowing more about who I am. That the day will eventually come where I can sit here, read back through these and feel content in the knowledge that I'm not this person any more. This sham facade of what I think others wanted me to be. Instead, I hope eventually I'll be what I want to be... and hopefully that person won't be hated by others.

...singing lager, lager, lager...

Well, another year is almost up. The contract for the house is up on the 30th, university's been out for a few weeks now, and I'm still making the same mistakes I always do day in day out.

It's quite sad, and yet slightly amusing, that so many of the people I've gotten to know over the past three years aren't going to be around next year. To be fair, my sticking around next year is heavily contingent on my being able to pass a resit in quantum mechanics and I'm not particularly liking my chances there. A lot of the people I've gotten to know, a handful of them quite well I should say, have all successfully finished their degrees and from what I've seen so far on Facebook a lot of them have done exceedingly well.

Looking back, I find a few things in the past year that I regret. For instance, I do quite regret not making more of an effort with quantum mechanics and classical physics last semester. As much as I find it amusing that we have to take a 10 credit module in obsolete physics, alongside a module on theory that pretty much underpins everything in the modern world, I do wish I hadn't been quite so un-motivated about it. Sure, I didn't particularly like the prospect of quantum since I'm a substandard mathematician but I could've at least tried harder. Same for classical. I regret more than that, for this year at least, but I can't change any of it.

Yet, I don't think I should entirely just turn around and concentrate on everything that went wrong this year. Granted, stuff did go wrong, but thinking about it a lot of stuff also went right. For instance, I passed the majority of the first semester. If I get my sorry arse in gear, and get a pass for the two modules I failed, I can pull my grade up some. The modules I passed were predominantly good grades, and I'm fairly confident that most of the second semester exams went fairly well too, despite the fact that I complained a lot about having to revise - much to a certain someone's annoyance. I made some new friends this year, and to an extent I do owe that to one particular friend of mine pretty much forcing me to talk to people. It's a bit sad that, despite having been going to lectures with them for two years now, I only know 6 or 7 people from the year. I guess that's something I need to work on: confidence. Not just in terms of having the balls to go up to someone and say hi, or having the strength of mind to change the way I think (that's a whole other blog entry right there, trust me) but to improve my confidence with maths and physics as well.

I guess it's funny that, for everything I look back on and see as a negative, the same occurance has usually spawned with it at least one positive thing. Even the fact that I'm behind a year, something I regret every morning when I wake up, isn't that bad. I've met some awesome people in this year, some more so than others, and I've learnt a few things about myself. Acting on this new knowledge, however, is going to prove the tricky part. There's still a lot that I need to even figure out, a lot of stuff that I still don't fully understand, and I think that until I'm sure I know how I feel and what's going through my head I'm not going to be able to completely fix things - or to improve myself as a person. Thankfully I've got a few months in which to do this, without a lot of the hassle of constant work and stress. I can take my stress out on zombies, though, since I still haven't completed RE4...

One thing I do know, though, is that I'm a considerably lucky man. Not only to be at the university here in Sheffield, to be given the opportunity to study here - as bad as I may be at it - but lucky that I've met the people that I have. Lucky that, despite the fact that I've been an immensely terrible person to them at times, they've still got the patience to put up with me. They're still my friends, and they're still willing to help me should I ever overcome one of my greatest flaws and ask for it.

I spent some time looking for a particular quote that, on occasion when I sit and think about what I think about my life, reminds me that I should never be quite so negative. But, unfortunately, I can't remember who the quote is attributed to and thus it lives solely in a file I don't have with me. So, I went and found another quote or two which I think should be inspiring enough for now.

"Self-respect is to the soul as oxygen is to the body. Deprive a person of oxygen, and you kill his body; deprive him of self-respect and you kill his spirit." - Thomas S Szasz.

"To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others." - Albert Camus

"Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus freeing your mind to think clearly towards the solution that is certain to come. Never take yourself too seriously." - Og Mandino

I think the third one is the most appropriate. I also wonder exactly what would happen if any of my friends ever followed the link from Facebook to this blog...

And so concludes another year...

Well, the institution at U. Sheffield that is the end of year Carnival was on Friday. It's a 12 hour long partay for students to enjoy as one last big blow out after working for a year. Unless, of course, you're part of the crew - in which case it's an 18 hour work-a-thon. Still, despite it being a lot of work and some stuff going wrong, it's actually quite good fun.

Have to say that the Pendulum DJ set was awesome. Would've been better had there been a laser (!!) but everything looked good and sounded good, and they were really happy with how it went and thus so was I. We had Edith Bowman as well as the Cut Up Boys playing on stage too, who both did fantastic sets as well. All in all, I think Foundry would've been an alright night out for those who went in there.

That said, my end of year experience this year has been pretty bad. It's gone from bad, in the sense of on Wednesday I royally pissed off a lot of people including one very important to me, to worse in that I'm now sat at home, alone and not entirely sure how I feel. I suppose I could try and find someone I trust to talk to about it, but sadly the few people that are on my list for that aren't around any more. I guess it kinda shows that, by now, I'm kinda expected to be able to sort my own problems out...

Now, if you'll excuse me, I should really be doing something useful so I guess I shall leave this entry at that. Sayonara, from a very dejected "man".

Bear With Me If These Words, They Falter...

They say there's a first time for everything, and well, this is quite possibly one of those times. I hope that this has the effect I intended...

A Little While

If ever there was something special,
That made me want to write a song,
I would say it's you and me, girl,
Though I know I've done you wrong.

'Cause I know that I'm not perfect,
I know I'm not without my flaws,
I try to be the best man I can,
And honey, I want to be yours.

I'm sorry if I ever hurt you,
I'm sorry I forget to say,
Just how much I really love you,
And how much I wish you'd stay.

I'm not too sure how I can show you,
Show you what you mean to me,
How I wish I could convince you,
This isn't how it has to be.

I'm sorry if I ever failed you,
I try to improve the way I am,
And if you feel that you can let me,
I'll show you I'm a lucky man.

So now I'm sat here by myself, dear,
I know that I've made you cry,
And while these words, they may be sad,
I don't want this to be goodbye.

There may be times when I'll annoy you,
Or maybe I'll have made you sad,
But Lord knows I'm trying to show you,
You're the best thing I ever had.

My love, you know I'm sorry for this,
I just want to see you smile,
And if we try we'll make it through this,
It just might take a little while...

I'm aware that people who do this kinda thing for a living probably spend a fair bit more time writing than I have, but when I sat down and thought for a bit this is what I ended up with. It might not be brilliant, but I thought it was appropriate for conveying how I feel. I also intended it to be more of a song than a poem, but since I'm not particularly skilled at either it's kinda a bish-bosh of both...

A Brief Respite...

Ah, such glorious weather outside and I'm sat indoors on my laptop. Such is the life of a hay fever sufferer who forgot the anti-histamines. Fantastic.

So, today marks the 2 down 3 to go stage of the exam period. There's 2 more sneaking up on Monday and Wednesday and I'm really not ready for the exam on Monday. To be honest, special relativity wouldn't be too bad if I'd gone to the lecture and done more work, but atomic spectra (read: applied quantum mech) is gonna be a right pain in my arse. Still, that should be the only exam this time round that I'll fail. I've gotten used to seeing the wonderful message on my results saying "You have failed the year." It doesn't bother me that much any more, there's always the August resits.

Well, aside from the inevitable continuous bitching about my exams there's not really much else to report on. I've gotten somewhat addicted to a Facebook app called MouseHunt, and if you haven't already tried it I do recommend that you give it a go. It's rather good fun, being one of those "check it every so often" games rather than one that requires constant attention. Who'd have thought that trapping virtual mice could be so much fun?

In other news, I've gotten back into the habit of playing guitar occasionally and have decided to try and learn Any Way You Want It by Journey. It's quality old school rock, and not that tricky to play as far as I can see. Awesome.

Well, I'll wrap it up there. Laters.

A Productive Endeavour

Ah, the familiar feel of "blogging" is back. Mmm. Y'know, this is the third blog I've ever owned; my first being on MSN Spaces, way back when they first launched it. I even went as far as making a few friends through that thing, and I still have a few of them. My second was one that came with the joy of a MySpace account, after I bowed to pressure from friends and actually got one of the darn things. I never really thought MySpace was that fantastic, but then I never really got into the whole friend whoring emo thing. I don't really care how many people you want to claim to be friends with, I'll stick with people I actually know.

Hence, what with my other half going and getting one of these last night and thus reminding me of the fact I still have access to both an MSN Spaces account as well as a MySpace I went dredging through the annals of history and turned up my MySpace blog. I didn't remember, at the time, why I'd left it dormant rather than deleting it all together until I actually read the blog entries on it. Man, I was a fool back in 2006. Reading some of the things I wrote, some of the things I clearly felt strongly on, it just serves to prove how far I've come as a human being in the past few years. I'm not quite the same angry, socially inept teenager I was when I first ventured forth to university - I've grown up a lot, I think, and I think that I've bettered myself in a few ways. I'm still nowhere near perfect, but I don't think I'm quite as flawed as I was.

Anyway, that's a very brief history lesson for those of you who've stumbled upon this glorious example of why the Internet is fantastic. Yes, there's a lot of rubbish on the interweb, and a lot of it is put there by your average joe just like me, but perhaps one or two of you might find something interesting to read here or perhaps learn something. I doubt the latter will occur, at least not frequently, but we'll see.

So, why am I making a blog with the "Gods" of Google via Blogger? Well, that's a good question. Part of it is that I actually quite like blogging, I do rather enjoy the challenge of trying to order what's in my head. Most of the time, I don't think I manage it very well when I try and achieve this verbally. I don't think I'm particularly well suited to conversation, since it requires the ability to think through what you're saying as you say it and not make any hideous gaffes that alienate you from your peers. With the written word, however, you have more time and less pressure on you - time to sort out what you want to say at your own pace, in whichever manner you deem most appropriate. That said, conversation is also two-way and relies on you understanding - at least partially - the person you're talking to. As well as the fact that I do enjoy writing things down, I chose Blogger since I already have a Google Mail account. Saves me some time, no? Oh, and if you're wondering why or offended by the fact that I've referred to Google as "gods" - it's quite simply because Google satisfies a few of the requirements us mortals place upon our deities. They must be all-knowing, and omnipresent. Google knows far more than I do, and it's in a hell of a lot more places at once than I am, so I'll settle for accepting it as meeting those two requirments. All hail the Church of Google! Could be worse, I suppose... *cough* Scientology *cough*

I don't think I aimed to put anything useful into this entry at the start, so I've not really deviated from my objective - which was simply to allow a brief respite from revision of notes on solid state physics. I have an exam on it tomorrow, y'see, and I don't think it's going to go well. Admittedly, I do now know the equations for Debye temperature and Fermi energies, but there's a lot more in the course that I don't know. I'm looking forward to Saturday's exam, though, which is on optics. It's just simple geometry coupled with electromagnetic theory on diffraction and interference. Sure, I've never had to derive the equations for these things from first principles before, but I'm perfectly capable of drawing some diagrams and doing simple algebra to determine angles and lengths. Easy.

That's all for now, as I've spent the best part of twenty minutes procrastinating on here now. I'll drop by again soon, no doubt, with more equally pointless ramblings from my head. Perhaps now you realise why I chose the name I did, partially because these things are somewhat chaotic and I quite liked the fact that early physics theories for electromagnetism were concerned with the existance (or, eventually, lack of) an aether. Huzzah!