Don't go looking for what you never wish to find

Evening.

I've been having some mixed feelings the past few days, about things that I really shouldn't be doubting and about things that I should really know well enough are true at face value and that don't need their foundations shaking to see if they stand up. It's unfortunate, though, that a lot of what I've been realising the past few months about what's wrong with me and how I need to improve as a person have been happening too late to influence the one thing that I want to change for. I suppose, considering the circumstances, that this had best be my final entry on this subject since I don't want to cause any more trouble than I already have and I don't want to be responsible for upset or anything like that again. So, if you're sitting comfortably, click the link and continue on in...

Quiet Contemplation

Ah, October is almost behind us and that means that today is Halloween - that glorious day when droves of children decend on their neighbours in the hope that they'll be stupid enough to be suckered in to another "holiday" that's been amazingly misappropriated by money-grabbing corporations. The original meaning of All Hallows was probably distorted and reappropriated by the Christian faith when they tried to win over the Pagans, but for all I know it's all hoodoo anyway. Bring on tomorrow when it's November and I'll again forget to say whatever it is I'm meant to say when I first wake up to bring me luck for the month.

Epiphanies are a bitch

Well, it would appear that October has proven itself to be a remarkably eventful month since it has attracted a nice 5 blog entries so far. I doubt very much that will grow to 6 in the space of a few days, however I guess you never know quite what life is going to throw at you and so it's somewhat pointless trying to predict it.

So whilst it's impossible to see what's coming ahead, it's quite easy to look back and see what has gone before. I had quite the interesting flashback to my first year of university earlier, whilst I was in Sheffield city centre, and on one hand it made me realise something about myself - a quality that perhaps I've been trying to convince myself I don't have - and I also realised something about how I'm different from that person now. The great thing about this realisation, though, is that the changes that have happened to me are quite easily reversible and are things that I'm intent on changing anyway. As anyone who knows me will attest to, I have quite (ok, very) long hair and I didn't have quite such a flowing mane when I first arrived here. I'm beginning to suspect that the sheer amount of hair I have is perhaps pidgeon-holing me into a certain "social group" that I don't entirely fit into, whilst when I first came to uni I think I could just about blag being in one of a handful of them.

I've also realised something else today, which is again part-good and part-bad. I've realised that, over the course of the past few months, I've put someone who I care very much for through a lot of stuff I shouldn't have and I can never undo this. I can't take back what I did, how I was, or the person I turned into. I made a lot of mistakes, and did things I shouldn't have done, and as was pointed out on at least one occasion any half decent boyfriend wouldn't even have thought some of what I did. The thing that is so unsettling is that, so far as I can tell, nothing has changed about the way I feel for her or how she feels for me - but because I don't always think things through, or don't take things into account that I should, I don't think anything is going to become from it any more. I'd be over the moon if it could, I truly would, but unfortunately something I'm going to have to come to terms with is that scenario being pretty much untenable. For all I've said, and all the complaining or stubborn attitude I've given out over it in the past few weeks, one of the proverbial pennies that dropped into the well of understanding the other day represented the fact that I can't act like a kid anymore on stuff like this. I shouldn't be listening to myself and the voices in my head, but perhaps to the people who're talking to me and who in most cases I still judge as being willing to be honest with me. I need to get out of my twisted and unsettled mind, and out into the real world and actually take more things on board instead of dismissing them as outright lie or deceit. I don't expect many of the people I know, or talk to on a regular basis, to deliberately or knowingly mislead or lie to me - but from the way I've been recently, I'd expect that most people would think the opposite.

I guess that's something that not a lot of people realise about me, really. For years at high school, I was a bit of an outcast - I'm sure everyone was either one of the smart kids, or knew one of the smart kids and looked down on them for it. I spent 5 years feeling like I was good for little else than recieving derisive remarks, or being used for answers to homework or for help with other stuff. Since leaving, and thanks to going to a good college and now a good university, I'm not just stuck on the fringes anymore. There's people who seem to like me, and I'm damn sure it's not to try and blag answers any more 'cause I'm sure not one of the smartest going these days. I guess perhaps I'm still not through the transition I should've made in high school, where I should've gone from the naive child I was to a slightly more world-aware person. I don't think I'm entirely used to being liked purely by merit of who or how I am, without some underlying agenda or exchange like before, and I'm even surer that I'm still not entirely used to having some of the attention I do occasionally get these days. I'm sure I don't have to be specific on that one, but that you'll figure out what I'm suggesting. I was never anywhere near the radar at high school, let alone on it.

Maybe I'll get past this point, and perhaps one day I might end up being someone who was good enough for her. It's just a shame I didn't quite get there in time...

My Delirium

Today's title was chosen for two reasons, really, but only one of them is in any way profound and indicative of what's going through my head right now. The first, the fairly straightforward reason, is because I really am loving an artist who isn't apparently mainstream pop yet - Ladyhawke. Really good debut album, excluding one weak track, and well worth a shot from the iTunes Store for the bargain price of £4.99. Out of all the albums I've bought on the back of one track, this is probably one of the best returns I've had. It truly is a brilliant record.

The second reason is that, I think the lyrics have a scary relevance to my life at the moment. While I realise that it's somewhat amusing to take someone elses sentiments and feelings to express my own, that track really does hit home. I first heard it a little while back, but it was only recently that I figured out what it was so I could get the track from iTunes. I now have the album, and some of the other songs have parts that make me step back and think about my life, but My Delirium really seems to be hitting the nail on the head with respect to a lot of things.

In the week since I last wrote anything here, I think I've been knocked well and truly sideways by whatever mysterious force(s) are there to lord over my life. I thought that things would remain in this irritating equilibrium, that things wouldn't get much worse because I didn't see how they could, but also that things might not immediately begin to pick up either. Yet here I sit, and for the moment I feel so much worse emotionally than I have done at any other time I can remember. That's karma, I suppose. I was responsible for, albeit inadvertantly and unintentionally, making someone else feel this dire. I put someone else in this position, and now that I know just what this feels like it's summoned other feelings with it. The feeling that I deserve to die for putting someone else through this simultaneous state of emotional turbulance and emotional numbness; that I might actually be the complete twat that some people think I am; and that I feel glad that the person I put in this place is no longer there. As bad as it sounds, right now that's the one thing I'm actually happy about - that the effect of all that I did that was wrong to that person has been reversed, even if the act has not been forgiven. Perhaps karma will be so kind to me.

The title also carries a stark relevance to my life since April. It hurts a little that I only recently realised that for months I've been taken for a ride, that a lot of what has happened to me that I thought was genuine and caring was actually all a lie. What hurts more is that a lot of it came from someone who I thought I could trust, and who I thought actually gave a damn, but after what's happened recently and over the longer term, I'm beginning to see just how pathetic I am in some regards. I've been oblivious to things I should have taken note of, and it's only now that the contrary has been thrown right into my face that I've realised it. Which is why I feel that the description of "delirium" somewhat explains my state of mind since April. I should try to avoid it happening again, I suppose, though the current confusion I'm harbouring over how I feel might make it hard to think straight for a little while.

What's unsettling in some regards is that, for a while now the stuff I've been feeling has been bleeding over into my life at uni and mostly out onto Facebook via status updates, and out of all the people I know and all the people who've seen me in this state, the ones who made any effort to seem like they cared are the ones I never expected it from. A friend at work, who I only see very rarely, took more interest in my wellbeing than a lot of people I've known for years. Some of what I've been writing on here and on Facebook invited somewhat derisive commentary, some of what I've been writing on here and on Facebook invited concern. I guess the upside is that, I've learnt more about who I think I should be seeing as my friends rather than just people I know.

I'm sat here writing this, ignoring some assessed work that was due in on Friday as well as a large stack of laundry and a lot of tidying. I don't even have any food, I'm that off centre right now. I'm left with what feels like little more than the hope that I'll be OK, and that something might happen to demonstrate exactly who it is that actually gives a damn about me.

Ever wondered where the old sayings come from?

I was sitting around and thinking about what's been happening in my life the past few months, and it brought to mind the old saying "If you love someone, let them go..." and that. So I started wondering about the origin of this phrase, as well as some others, and what the basis for them was originally. In a sense, I suppose that for a few months over the summer, I did let the woman I love "go" for a bit - and I did also, for a little while, get her back afterwards. The whole affair brought the phrase "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" to mind, and in a sense I suppose it did apply to us. Now that we're always in the same lectures, with some of the same friends and loads of work to be doing, I find it hard to take my mind off everything.

There are times when I wish I could just press a switch and hey presto, I'm no longer perpetually hauling around these feelings. That if, perhaps, I no longer had to suffer with feeling so hollow and alone without her; with having my first thoughts in a morning being the fact I miss her and that her absence is so unpleasant; with having to deal with the knowledge that a lot of the problem is my fault, and that for everything I'm doing to make things better I'm actually just making it worse. It's amusing knowing that my friends at uni are convinced I'm a cold, heartless bastard, and to some extents I suppose they're right. I'm not particularly outgoing or friendly, I don't know how to be that kind of person. I have a lot of issues to sort out with people in general, and I'm trying to overcome a lot of them, but I've still got a lot of work to do.

Then it occurs to me, that the fact that I can't just turn off the way I feel suggests that perhaps what I'm feeling is what I genuinely want to feel rather than something I think I feel, and I realise that to me at least my continual efforts to not let this be gone for good shows I care. Others may see it differently, I don't know. I don't know how she sees things. It's sad, really. That I know so little about this woman who knows so much about me. I hate myself for that. I really do.

Perhaps I should just wait it out and see how it goes.

Give It Your All / Give It All Up?

I'm aware that it was only yesterday when I last wrote on here, and that such a high frequency of updating is unusual, but putting things on here does sort of help in unravelling what exactly is floating around in my mind. Sometimes, anyway.

One of the things still bothering me immensely is something that has been playing on my mind ever since the end of second year; my sheer ineptitude with a certain person and the fact that twice now I've had the joy of a relationship with that person only to go and ruin it because I'm such a pathetic human being. In all honesty, I'm fairly sure that hardly anyone reads this blog* and so I think that in part is what contributes to me writing this stuff here. I've never particularly minded sharing my thoughts with the Internet at large, which is strange because I lack the capacity to do so in person. It's somewhat scary thinking that someone who I have never met on the other side of the ocean might know more about the inner workings of my mind than one of my "friends" that lives just down the road. The fact remains, though, that for no lack of thought and attempts at distraction, my feelings are the same. That I know what I want, and that I'd give everything for that, but in spite of everything events keep conspiring to ensure it remains out of my reach. In essence, that's the reason behind the title. I think that, if I were to give it all up and just ignore how I feel and put that part of me to one side, I'd regret it. Yet if I go after it too vigorously, and with such fervour that I create uncomfortable friction or tension between us, I think I'd regret that equally. Such is the quandary of human interaction.

I sometimes wonder whether or not I'm actually meant for this sort of stuff. I know it's ripped off of Black Books, but I do frequently think that Bernard's vision of his death perhaps extends to my life. I wouldn't be surprised if I did end up being found single, upside down and dead in a grotty pub toilet somewhere. I've long held the thought that I'm going to spend most of my life alone, and whilst I would much rather spend it in the company of someone I love I'm beginning to think this might not be a reality I'll ever achieve. I wasn't entirely surprised when recently several people commented that I never seem to be happy, or that at least I never project that I'm happy over the misery and self-loathing that permeates my existence. To a point, they're right - I hardly ever smile or look happy, but then considering the extent of my issues I don't feel happy very often any more. I did, for a week or so at the start of the year, have something to smile about, but I lost that for the reasons detailed previously. I believe that it's somewhat difficult to find a genuine reason why others would like you when it's difficult to find a reason why oneself should do so. Perhaps the key is to love yourself first, then others will follow suit, but that's easier said than done. Years of having your self-esteem attacked and eroded isn't something that I think I dealt with well at the time, or something that I think I can easily overcome now. What I am, in many ways, proud of is the fact that with a bit of help now I'm actually trying to deal with it and overcome that one of my problems.

I guess what it boils down to, and this is something that's been pointed out on several occasions, is that a lot of the problems I see with my life don't really extend much further than my own head. If I can sort out what goes on in there, and see past the false belief that I'm this cold, heartless, miserable and universally hated enigma that nobody wants to know I might no longer be a cold, heartless, miserable universally hated enigma and people might want to know me. I still have the comfort, at least, of the knowledge that despite everything there's one person who is at least somewhat fond of me. I can tell that from the fact that, despite everything, we still fall out. That, despite everything, we're still close friends - though not so much as we were, I don't think. I still have the comfort of knowing that, or perhaps knowing in my case and hoping in theirs, that the feelings that we once openly shared are still there. It brings me down to explaining one of my fears, or at least one of the things that makes me uncomfortable: uncertainty. I don't appreciate not knowing things, or not understanding things. I like rational explanation, open answers and the opportunity being given for me to understand what's going on and then act accordingly. At times I don't seem to have that opportunity, but as I said, such is the quandary of human interaction...

(* aside from a few people who've been kind enough to set themselves as followers, or the people who've specifically inquired about my blog. If you care to prove me wrong, and have a suitable account, feel free to comment on my post and we'll see just how many people not only visit but stayed long enough to read this "footnote".)

TTFN.

The Things We Do

Well, it's time for another update on the blog I think, since I haven't actually finished writing anything here that I've started in a while. I have made a few attempts at putting something on here, but whenever I did I either went off on so many tangents that the entry got immensely huge or I just lost my train of thought and it went to shit that way. I suppose it's a good thing that my mind isn't quite as hectic the past few days, but then my head's never exactly clear in the first place...

The past few weeks have been interesting, and I think that in a way there's a learning experience to be had here. I did, albeit briefly, get back what I wanted all summer and then promptly went and stuffed it up in a very similar manner to the first time. I do sometimes wonder whether or not I did something immeasurably wrong in a past life, or whether there's some force at work that is making things go wrong recently. I suppose it's a bit of a relief that things have settled down a bit now, and that they're picking up a little bit. I still know ultimately what I want, on a personal level, but I really don't think I'm likely to get a third chance at it. That sucks.

On the plus side, third year is going reasonably well so far. We've already had one piece of assessed homework, and it was a little bit tricky at first but after a little bit of thinking and consulting the notes it fell into place and all was well. Another piece of homework was given out this week just gone, and it looks lovely. Nothing makes me happier than having to use the Schrödinger Equation in its radial form with spherical polar co-ordinates. Still, it's something I have to learn and I reckon it can't be that hard if I put enough effort into learning the damn thing. Bit like elementary quantum mechanics - I wasn't too fond of that, coupled with being ill and missing a few lectures, but on the back of some very basic notes and some help from a friend I managed to pass what is quite possibly the most challenging module in the second year of a physics degree here. So, all things considered, if I put the work in I hope I'll be able to do at least that well in my third year and finally leave here with a reasonable degree. Hello "real world"!

Other than that, there hasn't been much happening. I've done a fair bit of cleaning around the house, and spent a lot of time sorting out junk in my room. I bought some new textbooks from Blackwells, one mathematics and one quantum mechanics, so that I can try and improve my understanding of these subjects - mostly 'cause my maths needs work and without quantum there's no way I'll understand any physics at this level.

On that note, I bid you adieu.