Don't go looking for what you never wish to find

Evening.

I've been having some mixed feelings the past few days, about things that I really shouldn't be doubting and about things that I should really know well enough are true at face value and that don't need their foundations shaking to see if they stand up. It's unfortunate, though, that a lot of what I've been realising the past few months about what's wrong with me and how I need to improve as a person have been happening too late to influence the one thing that I want to change for. I suppose, considering the circumstances, that this had best be my final entry on this subject since I don't want to cause any more trouble than I already have and I don't want to be responsible for upset or anything like that again. So, if you're sitting comfortably, click the link and continue on in...

Earlier today, I was hit by a bit of a blast from the past musically when I heard the Fray come up on my iPod with How To Save A Life. The lyrics of songs never really used to be very relevant to anything, since usually they covered topics like demons or the Devil, and whilst this may make for some awesome metal it's not really very relevant to daily life these days. This time, though, the chorus of the song hit me like a tonne of bricks - and I realised a few things that, to the people on the street might've made it look like I was about to cry. You see, I've been so absorbed with trying to determine why my life is going downhill and so focussed on everything I think is wrong that I've been missing everything I know is right. I've been harbouring a lot of things, and my focus on what I'm so determined to make true and my drive to turn my life into the rotting miserable hell that I'm wrongly convinced it is has lead me to the point where I see my life slowly veering off course and more towards that end. I let myself get to the point where I was spending too much time looking for negatives in my life that I never saw the positives. What makes me sad is that in the process, I've caused a lot of pain and a lot of hurt to someone I deeply care for, and who I'll always care about. I can never take that back, and in some ways I do regret what I'm responsible for. I don't regret our relationship happening, because there were plenty of good times and good things that came from it, but I know that one thing I will regret in all of this is not learning from it. That's the only unforgivable mistake.

I know, and I will accept as fact, that there are people out there who care about me. People out there who like me. That not everyone is jumping over each other to be the next person to insult me, or mock me, or be generally distasteful. I know that one person who's still very important to me still cares about me, and I know that I was wrong to ever doubt that. Even now, after all that's been said the past few days, I don't doubt that. And I like that. I like knowing that there's someone out there who gives a damn, 'cause it makes me think that there's a reason to give a damn. I may never be able to make up for what I've done, and the pain I've caused, but I can feel happy that I was lucky enough to get to spend some time with her as her boyfriend. I can try and be better, and put more effort into finding the nice things that are going on around me instead of concentrating so much on the things that go wrong. Ultimately I have to accept that she'll never be mine, and as sad as that realisation makes me feel I can feel happy that for a while she was, and for a while we were both happy. Hopefully if I do, I won't spend so much time feeling like crap any more, because when I stop and think about it I think that perhaps even in light of how I feel about her still I remember some things I said a while ago. That I would much rather have her as a friend than not at all, and in all honesty that's still true. I don't know if we'll ever be back to the point we were at in August, when we were pretty close friends, but I do know I should appreciate more the fact that she still cares and is still willing to be my friend. We'll see how that plays out, won't we.

What's quite scary is that I've now spent the best part of my evening putting thought into this blog entry and paying little mind to my work. Which isn't inherently bad, but it does mean I have more of it to do tomorrow. I feel that perhaps I'm somewhat better off for collating what I'm thinking somewhat more than would happen normally in my head. I feel slightly better for the realisation that perhaps not as much had changed as I thought, and slightly worried by the prospect that as a result of my ineptitude I may have forced it to do so much more than it would have done. I know that up until Sunday we were about as good as we could've been, really, and as a result of my arrogance and my stupidity yesterday evening I may have done even more damage.

A brief summary, then, of what I've rambled about and what I feel that I've gained personally over the course of the past few days is that I'm a complete idiot. I'm also fortunate to have had the time I did with Nikki, and that through little more than my own pathetic nature I've gone and thrown away some of what I treasured most about her friendship. Whilst this is something I feel sad about, I also feel somewhat inspired to try and look more for the good stuff than the bad stuff. I might need a little help along the way, but I'm hoping that I still have the same people to count on for that. Here's hoping, anyway.