My Delirium

Today's title was chosen for two reasons, really, but only one of them is in any way profound and indicative of what's going through my head right now. The first, the fairly straightforward reason, is because I really am loving an artist who isn't apparently mainstream pop yet - Ladyhawke. Really good debut album, excluding one weak track, and well worth a shot from the iTunes Store for the bargain price of £4.99. Out of all the albums I've bought on the back of one track, this is probably one of the best returns I've had. It truly is a brilliant record.

The second reason is that, I think the lyrics have a scary relevance to my life at the moment. While I realise that it's somewhat amusing to take someone elses sentiments and feelings to express my own, that track really does hit home. I first heard it a little while back, but it was only recently that I figured out what it was so I could get the track from iTunes. I now have the album, and some of the other songs have parts that make me step back and think about my life, but My Delirium really seems to be hitting the nail on the head with respect to a lot of things.

In the week since I last wrote anything here, I think I've been knocked well and truly sideways by whatever mysterious force(s) are there to lord over my life. I thought that things would remain in this irritating equilibrium, that things wouldn't get much worse because I didn't see how they could, but also that things might not immediately begin to pick up either. Yet here I sit, and for the moment I feel so much worse emotionally than I have done at any other time I can remember. That's karma, I suppose. I was responsible for, albeit inadvertantly and unintentionally, making someone else feel this dire. I put someone else in this position, and now that I know just what this feels like it's summoned other feelings with it. The feeling that I deserve to die for putting someone else through this simultaneous state of emotional turbulance and emotional numbness; that I might actually be the complete twat that some people think I am; and that I feel glad that the person I put in this place is no longer there. As bad as it sounds, right now that's the one thing I'm actually happy about - that the effect of all that I did that was wrong to that person has been reversed, even if the act has not been forgiven. Perhaps karma will be so kind to me.

The title also carries a stark relevance to my life since April. It hurts a little that I only recently realised that for months I've been taken for a ride, that a lot of what has happened to me that I thought was genuine and caring was actually all a lie. What hurts more is that a lot of it came from someone who I thought I could trust, and who I thought actually gave a damn, but after what's happened recently and over the longer term, I'm beginning to see just how pathetic I am in some regards. I've been oblivious to things I should have taken note of, and it's only now that the contrary has been thrown right into my face that I've realised it. Which is why I feel that the description of "delirium" somewhat explains my state of mind since April. I should try to avoid it happening again, I suppose, though the current confusion I'm harbouring over how I feel might make it hard to think straight for a little while.

What's unsettling in some regards is that, for a while now the stuff I've been feeling has been bleeding over into my life at uni and mostly out onto Facebook via status updates, and out of all the people I know and all the people who've seen me in this state, the ones who made any effort to seem like they cared are the ones I never expected it from. A friend at work, who I only see very rarely, took more interest in my wellbeing than a lot of people I've known for years. Some of what I've been writing on here and on Facebook invited somewhat derisive commentary, some of what I've been writing on here and on Facebook invited concern. I guess the upside is that, I've learnt more about who I think I should be seeing as my friends rather than just people I know.

I'm sat here writing this, ignoring some assessed work that was due in on Friday as well as a large stack of laundry and a lot of tidying. I don't even have any food, I'm that off centre right now. I'm left with what feels like little more than the hope that I'll be OK, and that something might happen to demonstrate exactly who it is that actually gives a damn about me.