Quiet Contemplation

Ah, October is almost behind us and that means that today is Halloween - that glorious day when droves of children decend on their neighbours in the hope that they'll be stupid enough to be suckered in to another "holiday" that's been amazingly misappropriated by money-grabbing corporations. The original meaning of All Hallows was probably distorted and reappropriated by the Christian faith when they tried to win over the Pagans, but for all I know it's all hoodoo anyway. Bring on tomorrow when it's November and I'll again forget to say whatever it is I'm meant to say when I first wake up to bring me luck for the month.

Epiphanies are a bitch

Well, it would appear that October has proven itself to be a remarkably eventful month since it has attracted a nice 5 blog entries so far. I doubt very much that will grow to 6 in the space of a few days, however I guess you never know quite what life is going to throw at you and so it's somewhat pointless trying to predict it.

So whilst it's impossible to see what's coming ahead, it's quite easy to look back and see what has gone before. I had quite the interesting flashback to my first year of university earlier, whilst I was in Sheffield city centre, and on one hand it made me realise something about myself - a quality that perhaps I've been trying to convince myself I don't have - and I also realised something about how I'm different from that person now. The great thing about this realisation, though, is that the changes that have happened to me are quite easily reversible and are things that I'm intent on changing anyway. As anyone who knows me will attest to, I have quite (ok, very) long hair and I didn't have quite such a flowing mane when I first arrived here. I'm beginning to suspect that the sheer amount of hair I have is perhaps pidgeon-holing me into a certain "social group" that I don't entirely fit into, whilst when I first came to uni I think I could just about blag being in one of a handful of them.

I've also realised something else today, which is again part-good and part-bad. I've realised that, over the course of the past few months, I've put someone who I care very much for through a lot of stuff I shouldn't have and I can never undo this. I can't take back what I did, how I was, or the person I turned into. I made a lot of mistakes, and did things I shouldn't have done, and as was pointed out on at least one occasion any half decent boyfriend wouldn't even have thought some of what I did. The thing that is so unsettling is that, so far as I can tell, nothing has changed about the way I feel for her or how she feels for me - but because I don't always think things through, or don't take things into account that I should, I don't think anything is going to become from it any more. I'd be over the moon if it could, I truly would, but unfortunately something I'm going to have to come to terms with is that scenario being pretty much untenable. For all I've said, and all the complaining or stubborn attitude I've given out over it in the past few weeks, one of the proverbial pennies that dropped into the well of understanding the other day represented the fact that I can't act like a kid anymore on stuff like this. I shouldn't be listening to myself and the voices in my head, but perhaps to the people who're talking to me and who in most cases I still judge as being willing to be honest with me. I need to get out of my twisted and unsettled mind, and out into the real world and actually take more things on board instead of dismissing them as outright lie or deceit. I don't expect many of the people I know, or talk to on a regular basis, to deliberately or knowingly mislead or lie to me - but from the way I've been recently, I'd expect that most people would think the opposite.

I guess that's something that not a lot of people realise about me, really. For years at high school, I was a bit of an outcast - I'm sure everyone was either one of the smart kids, or knew one of the smart kids and looked down on them for it. I spent 5 years feeling like I was good for little else than recieving derisive remarks, or being used for answers to homework or for help with other stuff. Since leaving, and thanks to going to a good college and now a good university, I'm not just stuck on the fringes anymore. There's people who seem to like me, and I'm damn sure it's not to try and blag answers any more 'cause I'm sure not one of the smartest going these days. I guess perhaps I'm still not through the transition I should've made in high school, where I should've gone from the naive child I was to a slightly more world-aware person. I don't think I'm entirely used to being liked purely by merit of who or how I am, without some underlying agenda or exchange like before, and I'm even surer that I'm still not entirely used to having some of the attention I do occasionally get these days. I'm sure I don't have to be specific on that one, but that you'll figure out what I'm suggesting. I was never anywhere near the radar at high school, let alone on it.

Maybe I'll get past this point, and perhaps one day I might end up being someone who was good enough for her. It's just a shame I didn't quite get there in time...

Such Lovely Weather

Well, for any of you not in the immediate Sheffield area, the weather the past few days has been pretty abysmal. Rain, rain, rain; it's all we've had. Though, despite all the complaining that the good ol' British public do about the rain, I quite like it. More specifically, I like being out in it when it's warm. I'm not quite sure what it is about it, but there's something about walking around in the pouring rain that makes me feel better. I dunno if, perhaps, it's something I could express in a slightly abstract way - say, for instance, that the rain kinda washes my problems away, if only temporarily. But, as I did a little while back when it was gloriously warm and it rained, I took some time to wander around aimlessly in the rain and for that time I didn't really care about much.

That said, the weather does somewhat reflect my mood at the moment. I think, currently, I'm not feeling that down about much but I'm not exactly the most cheery person going. There's a few things still bugging me, that are making me feel a bit sad, but they aren't things I'm going to go into here and they're ones I'll have to try and sort out myself. I have, however, made a few realisations about myself though. For instance, I rediscovered the joy of 2-tone ska thanks to Last.fm suggesting that people who like Madness might also like Bad Manners and The Specials. I think that's kinda always been one of my favourite sorts of music, though I lost sight of that a bit by trying to fit in with the metal crowd. Don't get me wrong, I still like metal, but I just reminded myself that I also really like ska. Also quite fond of ska-influenced bands, like Less Than Jake or Rancid. Awesome.

As hesitant as I am to say it, I think I might be coming to terms somewhat with a few of the things that have been haunting me of late. Sure, the skeleton's haven't been completely removed from the proverbial closet and given a proper burial yet, but I think we've got at least to the point of opening the door. Might be a while before I notice any marked improvement, but it's something to work for. Something I hope I can achieve, really. Going back to music, I've noticed that I have actually since downloading iTunes been living up to my statement of "eclectic" musical taste. It's gotten to the point where I'm acquiring larger amounts of tunes that most people wouldn't have associated with me at all, but it comes back somewhat to the fact that at heart I'll listen to anything I think is worth listening to. That still doesn't include jazz, I'm afraid. I definitely think that, at some point, I put a bit too much emphasis on liking what others liked and not running with my own opinion. Hopefully that's something I can reverse.

Sitting here now, and thinking with a somewhat upbeat dance backing track, I'm beginning to see what I never thought I'd see. Myself, at least partially. I'm slowly but surely making an effort to shake off the shadow of all that's bothered me, and try and concentrate more on what makes me happy rather than what I think others *should* like. With hindsight, there's a few things that I would actually change about my life if I could, but alas such an event is never going to happen so I don't see any point in harbouring regrets over things. I think, from here on in, I should make more effort to ignore the well established voices in my head and instead listen to the voices of the people I'm friends with - the ones who, so far as I can tell, are actually speaking the truth.