I was sitting around and thinking about what's been happening in my life the past few months, and it brought to mind the old saying "If you love someone, let them go..." and that. So I started wondering about the origin of this phrase, as well as some others, and what the basis for them was originally. In a sense, I suppose that for a few months over the summer, I did let the woman I love "go" for a bit - and I did also, for a little while, get her back afterwards. The whole affair brought the phrase "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" to mind, and in a sense I suppose it did apply to us. Now that we're always in the same lectures, with some of the same friends and loads of work to be doing, I find it hard to take my mind off everything.
There are times when I wish I could just press a switch and hey presto, I'm no longer perpetually hauling around these feelings. That if, perhaps, I no longer had to suffer with feeling so hollow and alone without her; with having my first thoughts in a morning being the fact I miss her and that her absence is so unpleasant; with having to deal with the knowledge that a lot of the problem is my fault, and that for everything I'm doing to make things better I'm actually just making it worse. It's amusing knowing that my friends at uni are convinced I'm a cold, heartless bastard, and to some extents I suppose they're right. I'm not particularly outgoing or friendly, I don't know how to be that kind of person. I have a lot of issues to sort out with people in general, and I'm trying to overcome a lot of them, but I've still got a lot of work to do.
Then it occurs to me, that the fact that I can't just turn off the way I feel suggests that perhaps what I'm feeling is what I genuinely want to feel rather than something I think I feel, and I realise that to me at least my continual efforts to not let this be gone for good shows I care. Others may see it differently, I don't know. I don't know how she sees things. It's sad, really. That I know so little about this woman who knows so much about me. I hate myself for that. I really do.
Perhaps I should just wait it out and see how it goes.
Saturday, 17 October 2009
Monday, 12 October 2009
Give It Your All / Give It All Up?
I'm aware that it was only yesterday when I last wrote on here, and that such a high frequency of updating is unusual, but putting things on here does sort of help in unravelling what exactly is floating around in my mind. Sometimes, anyway.
One of the things still bothering me immensely is something that has been playing on my mind ever since the end of second year; my sheer ineptitude with a certain person and the fact that twice now I've had the joy of a relationship with that person only to go and ruin it because I'm such a pathetic human being. In all honesty, I'm fairly sure that hardly anyone reads this blog* and so I think that in part is what contributes to me writing this stuff here. I've never particularly minded sharing my thoughts with the Internet at large, which is strange because I lack the capacity to do so in person. It's somewhat scary thinking that someone who I have never met on the other side of the ocean might know more about the inner workings of my mind than one of my "friends" that lives just down the road. The fact remains, though, that for no lack of thought and attempts at distraction, my feelings are the same. That I know what I want, and that I'd give everything for that, but in spite of everything events keep conspiring to ensure it remains out of my reach. In essence, that's the reason behind the title. I think that, if I were to give it all up and just ignore how I feel and put that part of me to one side, I'd regret it. Yet if I go after it too vigorously, and with such fervour that I create uncomfortable friction or tension between us, I think I'd regret that equally. Such is the quandary of human interaction.
I sometimes wonder whether or not I'm actually meant for this sort of stuff. I know it's ripped off of Black Books, but I do frequently think that Bernard's vision of his death perhaps extends to my life. I wouldn't be surprised if I did end up being found single, upside down and dead in a grotty pub toilet somewhere. I've long held the thought that I'm going to spend most of my life alone, and whilst I would much rather spend it in the company of someone I love I'm beginning to think this might not be a reality I'll ever achieve. I wasn't entirely surprised when recently several people commented that I never seem to be happy, or that at least I never project that I'm happy over the misery and self-loathing that permeates my existence. To a point, they're right - I hardly ever smile or look happy, but then considering the extent of my issues I don't feel happy very often any more. I did, for a week or so at the start of the year, have something to smile about, but I lost that for the reasons detailed previously. I believe that it's somewhat difficult to find a genuine reason why others would like you when it's difficult to find a reason why oneself should do so. Perhaps the key is to love yourself first, then others will follow suit, but that's easier said than done. Years of having your self-esteem attacked and eroded isn't something that I think I dealt with well at the time, or something that I think I can easily overcome now. What I am, in many ways, proud of is the fact that with a bit of help now I'm actually trying to deal with it and overcome that one of my problems.
I guess what it boils down to, and this is something that's been pointed out on several occasions, is that a lot of the problems I see with my life don't really extend much further than my own head. If I can sort out what goes on in there, and see past the false belief that I'm this cold, heartless, miserable and universally hated enigma that nobody wants to know I might no longer be a cold, heartless, miserable universally hated enigma and people might want to know me. I still have the comfort, at least, of the knowledge that despite everything there's one person who is at least somewhat fond of me. I can tell that from the fact that, despite everything, we still fall out. That, despite everything, we're still close friends - though not so much as we were, I don't think. I still have the comfort of knowing that, or perhaps knowing in my case and hoping in theirs, that the feelings that we once openly shared are still there. It brings me down to explaining one of my fears, or at least one of the things that makes me uncomfortable: uncertainty. I don't appreciate not knowing things, or not understanding things. I like rational explanation, open answers and the opportunity being given for me to understand what's going on and then act accordingly. At times I don't seem to have that opportunity, but as I said, such is the quandary of human interaction...
(* aside from a few people who've been kind enough to set themselves as followers, or the people who've specifically inquired about my blog. If you care to prove me wrong, and have a suitable account, feel free to comment on my post and we'll see just how many people not only visit but stayed long enough to read this "footnote".)
TTFN.
One of the things still bothering me immensely is something that has been playing on my mind ever since the end of second year; my sheer ineptitude with a certain person and the fact that twice now I've had the joy of a relationship with that person only to go and ruin it because I'm such a pathetic human being. In all honesty, I'm fairly sure that hardly anyone reads this blog* and so I think that in part is what contributes to me writing this stuff here. I've never particularly minded sharing my thoughts with the Internet at large, which is strange because I lack the capacity to do so in person. It's somewhat scary thinking that someone who I have never met on the other side of the ocean might know more about the inner workings of my mind than one of my "friends" that lives just down the road. The fact remains, though, that for no lack of thought and attempts at distraction, my feelings are the same. That I know what I want, and that I'd give everything for that, but in spite of everything events keep conspiring to ensure it remains out of my reach. In essence, that's the reason behind the title. I think that, if I were to give it all up and just ignore how I feel and put that part of me to one side, I'd regret it. Yet if I go after it too vigorously, and with such fervour that I create uncomfortable friction or tension between us, I think I'd regret that equally. Such is the quandary of human interaction.
I sometimes wonder whether or not I'm actually meant for this sort of stuff. I know it's ripped off of Black Books, but I do frequently think that Bernard's vision of his death perhaps extends to my life. I wouldn't be surprised if I did end up being found single, upside down and dead in a grotty pub toilet somewhere. I've long held the thought that I'm going to spend most of my life alone, and whilst I would much rather spend it in the company of someone I love I'm beginning to think this might not be a reality I'll ever achieve. I wasn't entirely surprised when recently several people commented that I never seem to be happy, or that at least I never project that I'm happy over the misery and self-loathing that permeates my existence. To a point, they're right - I hardly ever smile or look happy, but then considering the extent of my issues I don't feel happy very often any more. I did, for a week or so at the start of the year, have something to smile about, but I lost that for the reasons detailed previously. I believe that it's somewhat difficult to find a genuine reason why others would like you when it's difficult to find a reason why oneself should do so. Perhaps the key is to love yourself first, then others will follow suit, but that's easier said than done. Years of having your self-esteem attacked and eroded isn't something that I think I dealt with well at the time, or something that I think I can easily overcome now. What I am, in many ways, proud of is the fact that with a bit of help now I'm actually trying to deal with it and overcome that one of my problems.
I guess what it boils down to, and this is something that's been pointed out on several occasions, is that a lot of the problems I see with my life don't really extend much further than my own head. If I can sort out what goes on in there, and see past the false belief that I'm this cold, heartless, miserable and universally hated enigma that nobody wants to know I might no longer be a cold, heartless, miserable universally hated enigma and people might want to know me. I still have the comfort, at least, of the knowledge that despite everything there's one person who is at least somewhat fond of me. I can tell that from the fact that, despite everything, we still fall out. That, despite everything, we're still close friends - though not so much as we were, I don't think. I still have the comfort of knowing that, or perhaps knowing in my case and hoping in theirs, that the feelings that we once openly shared are still there. It brings me down to explaining one of my fears, or at least one of the things that makes me uncomfortable: uncertainty. I don't appreciate not knowing things, or not understanding things. I like rational explanation, open answers and the opportunity being given for me to understand what's going on and then act accordingly. At times I don't seem to have that opportunity, but as I said, such is the quandary of human interaction...
(* aside from a few people who've been kind enough to set themselves as followers, or the people who've specifically inquired about my blog. If you care to prove me wrong, and have a suitable account, feel free to comment on my post and we'll see just how many people not only visit but stayed long enough to read this "footnote".)
TTFN.
Sunday, 11 October 2009
The Things We Do
Well, it's time for another update on the blog I think, since I haven't actually finished writing anything here that I've started in a while. I have made a few attempts at putting something on here, but whenever I did I either went off on so many tangents that the entry got immensely huge or I just lost my train of thought and it went to shit that way. I suppose it's a good thing that my mind isn't quite as hectic the past few days, but then my head's never exactly clear in the first place...
The past few weeks have been interesting, and I think that in a way there's a learning experience to be had here. I did, albeit briefly, get back what I wanted all summer and then promptly went and stuffed it up in a very similar manner to the first time. I do sometimes wonder whether or not I did something immeasurably wrong in a past life, or whether there's some force at work that is making things go wrong recently. I suppose it's a bit of a relief that things have settled down a bit now, and that they're picking up a little bit. I still know ultimately what I want, on a personal level, but I really don't think I'm likely to get a third chance at it. That sucks.
On the plus side, third year is going reasonably well so far. We've already had one piece of assessed homework, and it was a little bit tricky at first but after a little bit of thinking and consulting the notes it fell into place and all was well. Another piece of homework was given out this week just gone, and it looks lovely. Nothing makes me happier than having to use the Schrödinger Equation in its radial form with spherical polar co-ordinates. Still, it's something I have to learn and I reckon it can't be that hard if I put enough effort into learning the damn thing. Bit like elementary quantum mechanics - I wasn't too fond of that, coupled with being ill and missing a few lectures, but on the back of some very basic notes and some help from a friend I managed to pass what is quite possibly the most challenging module in the second year of a physics degree here. So, all things considered, if I put the work in I hope I'll be able to do at least that well in my third year and finally leave here with a reasonable degree. Hello "real world"!
Other than that, there hasn't been much happening. I've done a fair bit of cleaning around the house, and spent a lot of time sorting out junk in my room. I bought some new textbooks from Blackwells, one mathematics and one quantum mechanics, so that I can try and improve my understanding of these subjects - mostly 'cause my maths needs work and without quantum there's no way I'll understand any physics at this level.
On that note, I bid you adieu.
The past few weeks have been interesting, and I think that in a way there's a learning experience to be had here. I did, albeit briefly, get back what I wanted all summer and then promptly went and stuffed it up in a very similar manner to the first time. I do sometimes wonder whether or not I did something immeasurably wrong in a past life, or whether there's some force at work that is making things go wrong recently. I suppose it's a bit of a relief that things have settled down a bit now, and that they're picking up a little bit. I still know ultimately what I want, on a personal level, but I really don't think I'm likely to get a third chance at it. That sucks.
On the plus side, third year is going reasonably well so far. We've already had one piece of assessed homework, and it was a little bit tricky at first but after a little bit of thinking and consulting the notes it fell into place and all was well. Another piece of homework was given out this week just gone, and it looks lovely. Nothing makes me happier than having to use the Schrödinger Equation in its radial form with spherical polar co-ordinates. Still, it's something I have to learn and I reckon it can't be that hard if I put enough effort into learning the damn thing. Bit like elementary quantum mechanics - I wasn't too fond of that, coupled with being ill and missing a few lectures, but on the back of some very basic notes and some help from a friend I managed to pass what is quite possibly the most challenging module in the second year of a physics degree here. So, all things considered, if I put the work in I hope I'll be able to do at least that well in my third year and finally leave here with a reasonable degree. Hello "real world"!
Other than that, there hasn't been much happening. I've done a fair bit of cleaning around the house, and spent a lot of time sorting out junk in my room. I bought some new textbooks from Blackwells, one mathematics and one quantum mechanics, so that I can try and improve my understanding of these subjects - mostly 'cause my maths needs work and without quantum there's no way I'll understand any physics at this level.
On that note, I bid you adieu.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Rock On Third Year!
Well it's been a while since I rambled anything on here, so I guess I should probably put down what's been going on. The past two weeks I've been quite busy keeping the new seniors at TSC quite inebriated and fulfilling my role as social secretary in addition to being the chair of the committee. I think I organised about 5 or 6 socials, in addition to a few others that were organised by the new seniors themselves. Pretty good that they all seem to get along with each other, should make working with them next year much easier.
On top of this, I got my resit results as well. Had to take 3, all exams that I didn't put that much effort into initially, so I finally decided to put some effort in and if it doesn't pay off then at least this time I did try. Well, it paid off. Passed all 3, but I don't know whether or not it was with flying colours 'cause everything is capped at just a bare pass. Whilst it's something of a relief to know that I do have a good enough grasp of everything to pass modules in such thrilling topics as quantum mechanics, it's somewhat irritating that the motivation to work has only really properly hit me now. That said, I think that if I can do well in my third year (which for me is the last year of my degree programme) I should be able to leave university with a 2.1 which is a pretty good degree. Should get me where I want to be at any rate.
I've been thinking, as well, that perhaps since one of the careers I'm considering perhaps going for is something research based (which I should be able to do with a 2.1) is having a crack at improving upon some of the notes from some of the lecture courses. I've found some notes for most of the modules offered at Sheffield, and whilst a lot of them are really pretty damn good there's quite a few that really suck. Couple this with lecturers that aren't all that brilliant and you've got a handful of students that might struggle. It'd also be quite good revision, since I'd be going over old material that's still relevant to the third year. Quite looking forward to some of the modules, as well.
The only other thing to report is that my room is considerably tidier than it has been. I can see my floor again, and all that remains now really is to vacuum it after I've got hold of some carpet cleaner stuff.
Catch ya later!
On top of this, I got my resit results as well. Had to take 3, all exams that I didn't put that much effort into initially, so I finally decided to put some effort in and if it doesn't pay off then at least this time I did try. Well, it paid off. Passed all 3, but I don't know whether or not it was with flying colours 'cause everything is capped at just a bare pass. Whilst it's something of a relief to know that I do have a good enough grasp of everything to pass modules in such thrilling topics as quantum mechanics, it's somewhat irritating that the motivation to work has only really properly hit me now. That said, I think that if I can do well in my third year (which for me is the last year of my degree programme) I should be able to leave university with a 2.1 which is a pretty good degree. Should get me where I want to be at any rate.
I've been thinking, as well, that perhaps since one of the careers I'm considering perhaps going for is something research based (which I should be able to do with a 2.1) is having a crack at improving upon some of the notes from some of the lecture courses. I've found some notes for most of the modules offered at Sheffield, and whilst a lot of them are really pretty damn good there's quite a few that really suck. Couple this with lecturers that aren't all that brilliant and you've got a handful of students that might struggle. It'd also be quite good revision, since I'd be going over old material that's still relevant to the third year. Quite looking forward to some of the modules, as well.
The only other thing to report is that my room is considerably tidier than it has been. I can see my floor again, and all that remains now really is to vacuum it after I've got hold of some carpet cleaner stuff.
Catch ya later!
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Dance Dance Revolution!
[Now Playing: Chicane - Poppiholla]
I've borrowed the name of a popular dancing game for this entry, since my shopping on the iTunes store has recently leant very much towards that particular genre: dance. The majority of my music remains very much rock and metal, but so far there's 59 purchased tracks on my iTunes and only about 10 aren't classified as "dance" or "electronic". Which is quite weird, on some grounds, but not that weird on others. Before high school, pretty much, I didn't really mind dance tracks and in all honesty I've never really harboured that much of a dislike for the genre. There's been the occasional track I've heard on the rare occasion I've been subjected to commercial radio that I've actually quite liked.
[Now Playing: Special D - Come With Me]
So, anyway, I've kinda started listening to some of it again and I've discovered that like with metal and rock there's quite a bit of stuff that comes under "dance" that I'm none too fond of. Trance is very chilled out and all sounds the same, as does house music. Techno seems to be worth a listen, alongside the good ol' eurodance and that lot. I found it quite amusing that in the past few months, Blumchen has got to the spot of my 6th most listened to artist according to my stats on last.fm - that's more listens than such greats as Muse, System of a Down and others.
[Now Playing: Melody and Mezzo - I Wanna Be Your Star (Speedy Mix)]
Aside from the little diversion my music taste appears to have taken, not much has been happening since the last serious entry. The resit period has finished, which is quite the relief, but that's only replaced the anxiety of exams with the anxiety of waiting to find out how I've done. I'm 99% sure I'm OK, but things have a habit of not going my way when I think they have so we'll wait and see what happens. I'll be proper annoyed if I've cocked up, I really will. I had a read through the work I did before the resits and there's quite a bit of it (well over half a 200-leaf refill pad) just of questions and worked examples I found on wikipedia to explain bits I couldn't do from the notes or derivations I couldn't find in a textbook. That's on top of, for quantum at least, some reading around the subject that I did by borrowing or buying some non-academic texts aimed at going some way to explaining quantum mechanics to the layman, if you will. Some of them were not only very useful, but they were also a jolly good read.
[Now Playing: Be My Dream (Alvaro Radio Remix) - DJ Dejan]
I found it quite amusing that, after 3 years at university, I've only now really acknowledged the fact that the only thing stopping me is my attitude. I'm not exactly lacking the capacity for passing this degree - I think that's clear by the fact that, in second year I only failed 3 modules and that wasn't with me exactly putting in 100%. That's not something you'd usually be proud of, but in this case the fact that I could pass (in some cases, rather well) 3/4 of the year without being "nose to the grindstone" 24/7 makes me think that for 3rd year if I actually spend less time doing useless stuff like playing with internet spaceships on EVE or wasting time just lazing in bed I might actually pull off a reasonable degree. Especially since the 2 modules that were essentially my reason for going to university in the first place are in the 3rd year: nuclear physics and particle physics. I'm not really top-level researcher material, especially since my existing knowledge of a lot of what's going on in high-energy research right now is rudimentary, but I still agree that my UCAS personal statement is right today - and that they're pretty much my two main interests.
[Now Playing: Calvin Harris - The Girls (Radio Edit)]
The only other thing going on is that from next week we're training the new seniors for TSC at the University. Two weeks of hands-on practical training as well as some theory and health and safety talks so they don't accidentally kill people with the 3-phase power supplies. Wouldn't wanna be shocked by that, really. Not pleasant. Still, it should be quite amusing seeing how they hold up with the social side of the fortnight. Stuff from laser-quest to pub crawls, all should be jolly good fun.
[Now Playing: Freestylers ft. Pendulum - Painkiller]
I'm running out of things to say here, so I think I'll wrap it up for now. TTFN.
I've borrowed the name of a popular dancing game for this entry, since my shopping on the iTunes store has recently leant very much towards that particular genre: dance. The majority of my music remains very much rock and metal, but so far there's 59 purchased tracks on my iTunes and only about 10 aren't classified as "dance" or "electronic". Which is quite weird, on some grounds, but not that weird on others. Before high school, pretty much, I didn't really mind dance tracks and in all honesty I've never really harboured that much of a dislike for the genre. There's been the occasional track I've heard on the rare occasion I've been subjected to commercial radio that I've actually quite liked.
[Now Playing: Special D - Come With Me]
So, anyway, I've kinda started listening to some of it again and I've discovered that like with metal and rock there's quite a bit of stuff that comes under "dance" that I'm none too fond of. Trance is very chilled out and all sounds the same, as does house music. Techno seems to be worth a listen, alongside the good ol' eurodance and that lot. I found it quite amusing that in the past few months, Blumchen has got to the spot of my 6th most listened to artist according to my stats on last.fm - that's more listens than such greats as Muse, System of a Down and others.
[Now Playing: Melody and Mezzo - I Wanna Be Your Star (Speedy Mix)]
Aside from the little diversion my music taste appears to have taken, not much has been happening since the last serious entry. The resit period has finished, which is quite the relief, but that's only replaced the anxiety of exams with the anxiety of waiting to find out how I've done. I'm 99% sure I'm OK, but things have a habit of not going my way when I think they have so we'll wait and see what happens. I'll be proper annoyed if I've cocked up, I really will. I had a read through the work I did before the resits and there's quite a bit of it (well over half a 200-leaf refill pad) just of questions and worked examples I found on wikipedia to explain bits I couldn't do from the notes or derivations I couldn't find in a textbook. That's on top of, for quantum at least, some reading around the subject that I did by borrowing or buying some non-academic texts aimed at going some way to explaining quantum mechanics to the layman, if you will. Some of them were not only very useful, but they were also a jolly good read.
[Now Playing: Be My Dream (Alvaro Radio Remix) - DJ Dejan]
I found it quite amusing that, after 3 years at university, I've only now really acknowledged the fact that the only thing stopping me is my attitude. I'm not exactly lacking the capacity for passing this degree - I think that's clear by the fact that, in second year I only failed 3 modules and that wasn't with me exactly putting in 100%. That's not something you'd usually be proud of, but in this case the fact that I could pass (in some cases, rather well) 3/4 of the year without being "nose to the grindstone" 24/7 makes me think that for 3rd year if I actually spend less time doing useless stuff like playing with internet spaceships on EVE or wasting time just lazing in bed I might actually pull off a reasonable degree. Especially since the 2 modules that were essentially my reason for going to university in the first place are in the 3rd year: nuclear physics and particle physics. I'm not really top-level researcher material, especially since my existing knowledge of a lot of what's going on in high-energy research right now is rudimentary, but I still agree that my UCAS personal statement is right today - and that they're pretty much my two main interests.
[Now Playing: Calvin Harris - The Girls (Radio Edit)]
The only other thing going on is that from next week we're training the new seniors for TSC at the University. Two weeks of hands-on practical training as well as some theory and health and safety talks so they don't accidentally kill people with the 3-phase power supplies. Wouldn't wanna be shocked by that, really. Not pleasant. Still, it should be quite amusing seeing how they hold up with the social side of the fortnight. Stuff from laser-quest to pub crawls, all should be jolly good fun.
[Now Playing: Freestylers ft. Pendulum - Painkiller]
I'm running out of things to say here, so I think I'll wrap it up for now. TTFN.
Friday, 21 August 2009
The Fruit of a Bored and Slightly Annoyed Mind
Well, in my boredom it appears I've done it again.
They're funny things, emotions,
For how they make us feel,
From quivering scared like jelly,
To having nerves of steel.
And when I think about them,
The ones I have for you,
I often feel confusion,
As I'd like to lose a few.
The meaningless devotion,
The care gone unreturned,
I see no sense in feeling this,
The love you often spurned.
Yet here I sit, a failure,
Lacking a way to change,
Just quite what you mean to me,
But then, the heart is strange.
It's clear, from all your actions,
The face you choose to show,
That "Do you feel this for me too?",
Would yield the answer "No".
I know I often can't compare,
To others you call friends,
They're far more fun and genial,
And so our friendship "ends".
'Cause so long as it's not effort,
There's nowhere else you'd rather be,
It's then that you pretend to care,
And be civil towards me.
But now I want no more of it,
These thoughts of trust and care,
Because I'm sure you'd much prefer,
That I was never there.
The thing that's really sad, though,
The thing I think is rare,
Is that for all my bluster,
I think I'll always care.
For how they make us feel,
From quivering scared like jelly,
To having nerves of steel.
And when I think about them,
The ones I have for you,
I often feel confusion,
As I'd like to lose a few.
The meaningless devotion,
The care gone unreturned,
I see no sense in feeling this,
The love you often spurned.
Yet here I sit, a failure,
Lacking a way to change,
Just quite what you mean to me,
But then, the heart is strange.
It's clear, from all your actions,
The face you choose to show,
That "Do you feel this for me too?",
Would yield the answer "No".
I know I often can't compare,
To others you call friends,
They're far more fun and genial,
And so our friendship "ends".
'Cause so long as it's not effort,
There's nowhere else you'd rather be,
It's then that you pretend to care,
And be civil towards me.
But now I want no more of it,
These thoughts of trust and care,
Because I'm sure you'd much prefer,
That I was never there.
The thing that's really sad, though,
The thing I think is rare,
Is that for all my bluster,
I think I'll always care.
Thursday, 20 August 2009
A Brief Sigh Of Relief
Well the week is almost up, and with it's passing also goes the two exams I had to pass to ensure I progress to the next year of my degree. For the first time in my history at Sheffield University, I actually put some time in on these damn things. I've also been suffering exam jitters for the first time since way back in the day when I took SATs in like year 2. I realised that, pretty much, most of the exams I'd end up taking throughout my primary and secondary school education wouldn't really amount to much. I was never this nervous about my A-Levels - and they weren't particularly bad. But then, I wonder perhaps that had I put a proportionate amount of effort into the A-level work I did most poorly on would I have gotten the same jittery feeling I got today. I suppose the fact I got the nerves, and as a result slept pretty damn badly both nights before the exams, is in part because this time I've actually worked. Perhaps it's the feeling that, despite powering through the best part of a 200-leaf Pukka Pad in order to answer assorted questions on quantum mechanics, special relativity and atomic spectra, all the work isn't going to pay off. I suppose there's always that fear that we'll try something, and we'll fail. I wonder what the percentages would read if we tallied up all the people who, upon trying and failing then went on to try again and those who went on to quit. Perhaps there's an expectation value in there somewhere, hehe.
Still, since the exams I had to work for are now gone leaving only "Topics In Classical Physics" which really doesn't appear to be necessary for anything anymore I'm kicking back with a nice cold one and listening to tunes and appreciating the fact that it's gloriously sunny outside and I'm not sneezing like a bastard. The only downside to the whole sunshine thing is the wasps and other stingy insects, but so far they don't seem to be finding me that attractive a target. Which is quite nice. I'm not usually one who drinks by himself, since I find it analogous to the miserable old git I'll inevitably become as I age going and sitting in the local every afternoon spending whatever the idea of a pension has become by the time I'm that old on bitter and the company of likewise miserable gits. That said, there's not really anything I can do about the lack of company, so I'll enjoy me drinkies regardless and put the images of lil' old me to one side for now.
Now that, essentially, the bulk of my work for getting through to third year is finished I've been contemplating a few things. Mostly I've been thinking that, perhaps it might be beneficial for me to go back over everything from the past year before September and try and get a handle on it better than I presently do. I figure that, for the pre-requisite courses anyway, this might make the work in 3rd year turn out to be a little bit easier. I think, also, that I might have finally learnt my lesson. For all my motivational problems, something got me to work for weeks on passing what was quite possibly the most confusing course I've ever taken. I sincerely hope it paid off. It would be quite ironic, and most unfortunate I suspect, for me to finally realise that I'm not a fuckwit but that I just need to apply myself only for my university career to come to an abrupt end. The lesson would still be learnt, I suppose, the application would just be different to what I imagined. The alternative is to be positive about the resits, and perhaps spend some time going over the early lectures for next year with this year's notes to hand if anything seems unfamiliar. The one thing I do know is that next year I can't afford to be so disaffected with the work. There isn't the 30% before you sit the exam safety net in the form of homework and problems classes that there was for this year. I suppose, in a sense, that doesn't affect me since I never particularly enjoyed the problems classes or tutorials - small group work generally isn't my thing, unless it's on something I'm particularly confident of my knowledge of. So far, I've spent most of my time at university finding myself intellectually inferior to others in the year - so I've been a bit shy about asking for help or anything like that.
In other news, I've bought some new shoes
and that. I'll try and attach a photo of the pair I'm currently wearing, they're very comfy as I've come to expect from Vans. I s'pose I should really find a few more manufacturers that make comfy shoes for UK size 12 feet. Anywho, I dunno quite how the photos function works on here... On some other sites there's a tag you can put in to put the image in a certain place. Oh well.
That's all for this entry, I think. TTFN.
Still, since the exams I had to work for are now gone leaving only "Topics In Classical Physics" which really doesn't appear to be necessary for anything anymore I'm kicking back with a nice cold one and listening to tunes and appreciating the fact that it's gloriously sunny outside and I'm not sneezing like a bastard. The only downside to the whole sunshine thing is the wasps and other stingy insects, but so far they don't seem to be finding me that attractive a target. Which is quite nice. I'm not usually one who drinks by himself, since I find it analogous to the miserable old git I'll inevitably become as I age going and sitting in the local every afternoon spending whatever the idea of a pension has become by the time I'm that old on bitter and the company of likewise miserable gits. That said, there's not really anything I can do about the lack of company, so I'll enjoy me drinkies regardless and put the images of lil' old me to one side for now.
Now that, essentially, the bulk of my work for getting through to third year is finished I've been contemplating a few things. Mostly I've been thinking that, perhaps it might be beneficial for me to go back over everything from the past year before September and try and get a handle on it better than I presently do. I figure that, for the pre-requisite courses anyway, this might make the work in 3rd year turn out to be a little bit easier. I think, also, that I might have finally learnt my lesson. For all my motivational problems, something got me to work for weeks on passing what was quite possibly the most confusing course I've ever taken. I sincerely hope it paid off. It would be quite ironic, and most unfortunate I suspect, for me to finally realise that I'm not a fuckwit but that I just need to apply myself only for my university career to come to an abrupt end. The lesson would still be learnt, I suppose, the application would just be different to what I imagined. The alternative is to be positive about the resits, and perhaps spend some time going over the early lectures for next year with this year's notes to hand if anything seems unfamiliar. The one thing I do know is that next year I can't afford to be so disaffected with the work. There isn't the 30% before you sit the exam safety net in the form of homework and problems classes that there was for this year. I suppose, in a sense, that doesn't affect me since I never particularly enjoyed the problems classes or tutorials - small group work generally isn't my thing, unless it's on something I'm particularly confident of my knowledge of. So far, I've spent most of my time at university finding myself intellectually inferior to others in the year - so I've been a bit shy about asking for help or anything like that.
In other news, I've bought some new shoes
and that. I'll try and attach a photo of the pair I'm currently wearing, they're very comfy as I've come to expect from Vans. I s'pose I should really find a few more manufacturers that make comfy shoes for UK size 12 feet. Anywho, I dunno quite how the photos function works on here... On some other sites there's a tag you can put in to put the image in a certain place. Oh well.That's all for this entry, I think. TTFN.
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