Give It Your All / Give It All Up?

I'm aware that it was only yesterday when I last wrote on here, and that such a high frequency of updating is unusual, but putting things on here does sort of help in unravelling what exactly is floating around in my mind. Sometimes, anyway.

One of the things still bothering me immensely is something that has been playing on my mind ever since the end of second year; my sheer ineptitude with a certain person and the fact that twice now I've had the joy of a relationship with that person only to go and ruin it because I'm such a pathetic human being. In all honesty, I'm fairly sure that hardly anyone reads this blog* and so I think that in part is what contributes to me writing this stuff here. I've never particularly minded sharing my thoughts with the Internet at large, which is strange because I lack the capacity to do so in person. It's somewhat scary thinking that someone who I have never met on the other side of the ocean might know more about the inner workings of my mind than one of my "friends" that lives just down the road. The fact remains, though, that for no lack of thought and attempts at distraction, my feelings are the same. That I know what I want, and that I'd give everything for that, but in spite of everything events keep conspiring to ensure it remains out of my reach. In essence, that's the reason behind the title. I think that, if I were to give it all up and just ignore how I feel and put that part of me to one side, I'd regret it. Yet if I go after it too vigorously, and with such fervour that I create uncomfortable friction or tension between us, I think I'd regret that equally. Such is the quandary of human interaction.

I sometimes wonder whether or not I'm actually meant for this sort of stuff. I know it's ripped off of Black Books, but I do frequently think that Bernard's vision of his death perhaps extends to my life. I wouldn't be surprised if I did end up being found single, upside down and dead in a grotty pub toilet somewhere. I've long held the thought that I'm going to spend most of my life alone, and whilst I would much rather spend it in the company of someone I love I'm beginning to think this might not be a reality I'll ever achieve. I wasn't entirely surprised when recently several people commented that I never seem to be happy, or that at least I never project that I'm happy over the misery and self-loathing that permeates my existence. To a point, they're right - I hardly ever smile or look happy, but then considering the extent of my issues I don't feel happy very often any more. I did, for a week or so at the start of the year, have something to smile about, but I lost that for the reasons detailed previously. I believe that it's somewhat difficult to find a genuine reason why others would like you when it's difficult to find a reason why oneself should do so. Perhaps the key is to love yourself first, then others will follow suit, but that's easier said than done. Years of having your self-esteem attacked and eroded isn't something that I think I dealt with well at the time, or something that I think I can easily overcome now. What I am, in many ways, proud of is the fact that with a bit of help now I'm actually trying to deal with it and overcome that one of my problems.

I guess what it boils down to, and this is something that's been pointed out on several occasions, is that a lot of the problems I see with my life don't really extend much further than my own head. If I can sort out what goes on in there, and see past the false belief that I'm this cold, heartless, miserable and universally hated enigma that nobody wants to know I might no longer be a cold, heartless, miserable universally hated enigma and people might want to know me. I still have the comfort, at least, of the knowledge that despite everything there's one person who is at least somewhat fond of me. I can tell that from the fact that, despite everything, we still fall out. That, despite everything, we're still close friends - though not so much as we were, I don't think. I still have the comfort of knowing that, or perhaps knowing in my case and hoping in theirs, that the feelings that we once openly shared are still there. It brings me down to explaining one of my fears, or at least one of the things that makes me uncomfortable: uncertainty. I don't appreciate not knowing things, or not understanding things. I like rational explanation, open answers and the opportunity being given for me to understand what's going on and then act accordingly. At times I don't seem to have that opportunity, but as I said, such is the quandary of human interaction...

(* aside from a few people who've been kind enough to set themselves as followers, or the people who've specifically inquired about my blog. If you care to prove me wrong, and have a suitable account, feel free to comment on my post and we'll see just how many people not only visit but stayed long enough to read this "footnote".)

TTFN.